It's been. What. A week or two. Had a few ups and downs in that time, hehe.

At the moment I'm on a down. Yesterday I asked if we could have a go at breaking boards, since I suck at that. For my next grading, I have to do a reverse turning kick (spinning kick). I am terrified.

We lined up, the students (only four of us at this point), and went to do knife hand through two boards. The outcome was basically I couldn't do it, but everyone else could. I was told to do one board, because I so frustrated by this point, I couldn't do it. I freaked out and punched the side of the board in anger and was basically told to go aside. My master had to take me aside and tell me to stop getting frustrated, etc etc etc. When I get pissed off, I don't want to be touched, it's like a reaction going off. He thought I was being depressed and stroked my back, held my shoulders. I just wanted to punch him.

Today, thanks to my wounded pride, I was completely out of it at training. He asked me what pattern I was doing half way through my pattern, and I forgot the moment he asked. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, and being near people made me horribly nervous and skittish. It was like I was a white belt again. Which made me feel even worse, queue vicious cycle.

My master told my brother to tell me that if I needed help, I could go before class and he would teach me to meditate. I've texted him to ask if he will. I think I need it right now. I have a lot going on, and this is just aggravating in general.

He also told me today I would make a good black belt instructor. I told him I hated kids. It was lols. All the kids look up to me because I know how to work with them. Having worked with them all my life, you pick up a thing or two. I still don't like them, but that doesn't mean I'm not good at teaching them. My master said he wouldn't let me give up before I became black belt. Comforting and terrifying at the same time, really.

Anyway, I am so very tired, so it's bath and bed for me so I can hit the gym nice and early.