Today was squad training. It was actually pretty fun! Perhaps it was because there were only a few of us, and no pressure (no N, no Friendly P, no C, no one to make a fool of myself in front of).

Master C took us for warm up and stretching. It was good, I quite like when he does it. We did some kicks in pairs up and down the hall. My partner was tiny and young, so Master K would take the pad when it was my time to kick. That was obviously good. We got pads on and did some practice sparring drills.

Then we got into the real sparring. Master K wanted to see our stamina, so had us fight lots of rounds with different opponents. He said I am getting a lot better at sparring. I feel like I am too. Still work to do, but I feel lighter (helps that I've lost weight) and quicker to move. I need to improve footwork, and next grading will have me fighting against two opponents at the same time, but I'm getting there. A massive bruise is forming on my shin as I write this, but it's all battle wounds to remind me of what to improve on!

I've managed to get myself a new fitness partner, Friendly P. I don't know whether I've written it here before or not, but he got in an accident some years back and messed his shoulder up. It made him stop training. Now he's back, and trying to get his fitness up in order to be able to train properly. He said if I taught him all the patterns he needs to know (he knows none of them, and is two grades below me), he would teach me to jump kick. On top of this, he's going to take me to new areas for us to run. I wanted to up my cardio, and getting a gym buddy isn't really an option, since I like to only gym alone. Having us just run, probably before work, etc, will be the best way to fit more cardio and workouts into my day! Madness! It's all brotherhood at the club, just like when I help out C and the family that goes there most days. We all help each other.

Oh, I also took a board to practice breaking. I need to tackle this before the Grandmaster comes over in July. I don't want to be weak anymore.

So I decided on Wednesday to man up and try talking to N about my issues with him. I've been feeling like I'm not my grade, and that he's been lying to me when he says he thinks I am. What actually happened was that I turned up to karate and did okay. At the end, I had to fight H, a black belt girl I fought against in the tournament and won against, purely based on fitness. I got hits in on her, but at one point she knocked me to the floor. So that bummed me out a bit.

I took a ride with N to the next class, which he had to take. I helped babysit some of the kids, and about half way through the junior class we had to do jumping side kicks on the large standing pad. I, obviously, failed miserably at that. The bit that got to me was that the little kids would laugh and say to me "W! That's not how you do it! You're not doing it!". Kids tend to tell the truth, because they don't understand not to. I'm a blue belt. I should be leading the way for all of them. I could not. That and still not having confidence in breaking. I was so frustrated that I left before the senior class started.

Today was pressure because a new black belt, ex-TAGB turned up. Obviously Master K wanted to show case us to him. I think he might have been 3rd dan or something. Above 1st, below 5th, either way. I managed to start talking to N. I apologised for being 'off' with him. Explained how I didn't like feeling weak in front of him, and that I feel he's constantly lying. I went to elaborate, but we were interrupted. I'm sure we'll finish it another time.

The class started with jumping kicks again. Since it was the pressure of being showcased, I accidentally snapped at a new friend, Friendly P. I can /kind of/ jumping flying sidekick with my left, but no hope on my right. I got taken off flying kicks pretty quickly when Master L realised. We did some padwork, and then some hon shin sol, from hapkido self defence. Luckily I am relatively good at that, so when I partnered with Master L, he was on the floor every time. He told me I trained with N too much, because my moves were effective and brutal, aha. Compliment? Not sure. Since it was odd numbers, I had no partner, so I would just go around helping other pairs. Master K called me his 'little warrior' because I was good enough not to need too much practice, ehe. Again, compliment? Who knows.

At the end of the class, I got to talk to Friendly P again. We kinda wound each other up a bit, in a friendly way. He said if I taught him all the patterns he needed to know, he'd teach me how to jump. As much as I told him he had the bum end of the deal, he seemed pleased. If he actually expects me to jump, he'll be a bit disappointed, surely. Apparently sometimes I 'forget myself', and in that moment I do really well. I asked if that meant I needed drugs. The answer was no.

Anyway, ups and downs today. Tomorrow I will be back to doing my workout before work, gym at lunch and running to/from training after work. Should help a bit. Up with cardio, I guess!

Mum. Mum, I'm really greatful and everything, but for the love of all things holy, please stop cooking for me.

My mum cooks way more than I can eat, and I'll feel so rude if I don't basically eat her massive portions. I wish she'd go back to leaving me alone at meal times. I was fine making my own things. I could control everything, and I was losing weight and making progress. Now I've put a pound or two back on, which is beyond frustrating considering how much effort went into getting it off. I'll have to talk to her about it.

Also one of the younger girls (11yo) in class cried loads yesterday. I understand a bit of crying, but gawd this girl was having a hissy fit. She used to be known for them, then got better, and now is getting worse again. What is this cycle of madness.

Nothing really to put here. Just sick of food right now.

I've not had the best week, training wise. A lot of stress got to me, or at least that's the excuse I'm sticking to. I asked N whether he honestly thought I was blue belt level, which lead to a conversation I regret. On Sunday, when we partnered up, I then couldn't take the hits he gave on the bag, which ended up with me walking out of his lesson. I also apologised profusely, because that is such bad ettiquiette I should have been killed.

The point I guess I'm trying to make is that I can't stand to be weak in front of strong people. I told him more than I usually tell people in our conversation, and subsequently freaked out and now can't look him in the eye. It doesn't help that he's so fucking nice and good and wonderful. What a dick, haha. I jest. At some point I'll conquer this, but right now anything I say to him will leave me feeling even weaker and more vulnerable, so I will just move on.

Training has been hard. However, Master K taught me the red stripe pattern, then the red belt pattern, and then the black tag pattern. I have now also mastered Ko Dang (2nd dan black belt pattern). Since I graded to well in my last grading (hah), I am allowed to grade again in the next grading. Usually I'd have to wait 4 months, but this will be 2. That was awesome news, up until Master K also allowed Ramboneses to because of our 'rivalry'. Nothing is mine. Even when I work my ass off, nothing is mine.

I need to work my ass off. Which, consequently, I am doing in gym. I've taken up doing some extra workout in the morning by getting up earlier before work. I gym in my lunch break, speed walk to and from home, and jog/run to training in the evening. On Wednesdays, I do the extra karate class, and on days off my gym session is much longer. Hopefully this will get me to where I need to be.

Right, it's now time to leave for work (hurray...), so we'll see what tonight brings.

Yesterday Nath had me lead the stretches for the junior class. And I went back to gym for the first time since before grading.

It's the little things.

Yesterday was aite, actually. Junior class was patterns and partner stretching. Master L turned up (he's been at uni for a year, and was actually one of my original instructors, so it was a bit cool to show him whether I'd improved or not while he was away!), as well as the world champ-I-don't-know-if-I-like-him guy, and friendly P. Friendly P used to be a green belt about 5 years ago, but got in a motorbike accident and messed his shoulder up. He's trying to come back, but his shoulder gives him issues a fair bit.

The patterns was cool, because I was asked to teach a yellow belt her pattern for a bit, and then I got dropped in with Master L and World Champ (the only two black belts) to do Ko Dang. That's an honour, right? RIGHT? So yeah, that was good.

Stretching was as per usual, partner stretches are useful, and I can almost do the splits, shoop woop.

In the senior class we worked on sparring technique on bags. Person holding the bag had to rush at you constantly, and the idea was to keep them from advancing through force, speed, side stepping and back kicks. I didn't fair as badly as I thought. I'm not usually the best under pressure. For normal bagwork the person with the pad would rush in, and the aim was to stop them dead with a back kick, or a lead leg side kick. Again, I didn't do too badly.

Friendly P said he was impressed with how much I'd progressed since I'd last done a lesson with him. I think he last coached us when I was also a green belt. So, two belts ago? About four months? He said he couldn't understand how I was able to generate such power when I am tiny. I explained it was about still having the mentality of thinking I'm massively fat, and he said to keep that mentality, ahaha. Oh Friendly P, you're so friendly!

The American seminar draws closer, in July, and I am so excited to meet them and train with them. It's weird to think a whole team of high ranking dans will be here with us. So cool!

Just a quick blog so I can get it out of my head.

Yesterday's lesson was... interesting. In the junior class we did hon shin sul, which is self defense. I was going to help the tiny juniors out, but Master K sent me off to work with the seniors. I was in a group of three with a tall yellow belt, E, and the newly promoted black tag. It was quite fun. Did pressure point work, and E actually dropped me a few times, which was cool. New black tag, T, finds me quite awkward to work on, hehe. He can never quite get the technique right. It usually ends up with him at some point becoming frustrated and brute forcing it, where my right wrist tells me it's the left's turn now. It was cool though, to have them not too worried about hurting me in the way that M and N do (Now I have that phenomenom do do doo tune in my head).

The senior lesson is what kinda put me out a bit. We ran through patterns for the most part. Ramboneses has caught up on Tae Gae since yesterday and didn't need much help on it. And we all went through Ko Dang as a class until we could all do it. It put me out, not because we were doing it, that was cool, but because I've once again lost my edge over anyone else. I can never just be let to have my thing. Ramboneses always have to try and fucking one-up me because he needs to be the best in everything we both do. Martial arts doesn't get to be mine anymore, because friends and family are all doing it anyway, and now I can't even say I was the only one taught pattern X. On top of that, N says he's gonna start coming to junior classes as well as of next week. Which means invariably that Ramboneses will also.

I just want them all to fuck off. In the junior class I feel like I'm actually helping people, and I get to have a bit of attention, sure. But with everyone else doing it, they'll get the glory as they did when they were there from the start of the lessonsb before. Completely selfish, I know, but sometimes I like to have /something/ just to myself without everyone else doing it, and doing it to a better standard. I had thought martial arts was it, but clearly not. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get over it and just be mediocre again, haha. Better than being bad, I guess!

First session as a blue belt! It was bangin', mate. I got to help in a grading. It was only for two white belt kids, but was still awesome! I had to give the commands and instructions, and demonstrate what they needed to do. N did that for my grading, and looked pleased he got to do it, so it must be pretty big, even if mine was only on a very small scale!

As usual, I was used to help out in the junior class. Master L likes using me to keep the littlest tykes in line with him. Amusing considering my disdain for children, but there you go. I think I'm addicted to trying to make my masters proud, haha. Whatever works!

For the senior class, only my younger brother and I were there. So, my bro, me, Master K and Master L. Tiny class! It was based on patterns. It was awesome since I already knew the pattern for my new grade (Joon Gun), and was properly taught Tae Gae for fun. We then moved onto Ko Dang (I think that's how you spell it? Ack, Korean!), which is actually a 2nd dan pattern. It has a jumping knife hand guarding block, two slow motion back kicks and vertical hooking kicks in it, as well as downward elbow strikes and a downward punch. This obviously appeals to me, haha. I am all about the elbows and punches.

Training is exciting for me atm, I feel like it's a whole new chapter now I've received my belt. The leaps I've made since I first started are phenomenal. Since I'm currently the only higher grade woman there, the younger, lower grade females look up to me. I don't particularly care, but I understand it's important to show them what they can achieve so as not to discourage them. Women are just as capable, hehe. We already have a lot of male role models in the club (all of whom I look up to), so it would be interesting to be the prominent female one.

But I shouldn't get big headed. There is much to improve on, and I know I have limits. I switch from ups to downs and back quick enough to get whiplash, so need to concentrate on continuing to be positive. Hunt those goals down, motherflipper!

So! Graded to blue belt this afternoon and thought it perinent to jot down a blog while I'm still buzzing!

I managed to get an A- in this one. I think my master does it as B, B-, B+, A, A-, A+, etc. He made some inference to it during today's session. I was pretty calm this time, which is unusual for me by a long shot. I think I subconsciously knew how much I put into this, and how I already knew whatever would be thrown up, since we do it all during class anyway.

The only reason I didn't get an A+ was that during my pattern, Yul Gok, I had to restart because I fucked up a bit. However, was asked to do Joon Gun, which is the pattern above me, and I performed it to high standard. Typical me to crap my own one up, and do well on the one above! I'll get it perfect next time.

My theory was all well learnt and bang on, no problems there at all. My power was good, my line work was actually better than usual in class. My sparring even stepped up a bit. The cardio part, which we haven't done during a grading before, was much better than all those else who were grading. So glad I put extra time in the gym for that, because the masters were very impressed. I also knew some tricks to pace myself and not use too much power, which leads to fatigue quicker.

Master K was incredibly proud of me today, and I was too. He said I really and truly earnt my belt. Since I don't view my parents in a parental light much anymore, this really means the world to me, to make my idol proud. I'm now officially a senior, and the fun begins.

My brothers did well, too. My younger brother, Bob, graded to green belt. He didn't do spectacularly, but he gave a solid performance that he should be pleased with. He knows what to do better on, and I'm sure he will do. My other brother, Ramboneses, was incredibly courageous. He's been ill with a horrible virus, taking him out for a week. This doesn't sound a lot, but my brother never takes time off training or work. He still came to grading, and despite almost passing out many times, he did very well. I know he would never NOT grade if I were grading, or he wasn't dead, so it's good to see his attitude paid off. Even if it was a bit too far and he should know when to stop. One master saw him in golden light for pushing through, the other master explained that he wouldn't have been allowed to grade in the olden days because you don't get leneancy over other people just for being sick. Grade when you're 100%, don't half ass because you're functioning at 70%. I'm still proud of him.

P, the other blue tag, didn't grade. Ramboneses and I are officially a belt above again! Hah! And C graded, finally, too! She is now a yellow tag. I'm pissed off that at the end after grading she looked like sour grapes, but I'm hoping it was just residual stress from actually grading. We'll see. I'm still proud of her, too.

Now it's time to start working towards red tag, and show that I WILL be a black belt soon.

I don't feel I am doing very well in sparring, but won't let it get me down. I can beat lower grades, so just stop being a bitch when it comes to higher grades. Of course you're not meant to beat them. Duh. My patterns are very good, so no worries there. Just need to work on my Korean today, and I should be all set for the grading tomorrow. If I don't make blue belt, it will be time to kill myself (jokes, no choice but to make blue).

That's all she wrote.