I forgot to update this the other day.

My last adult session was on Tuesday night. It was pretty hardcore. For the last few weeks, as I think I've mentioned, I've been losing the will to fight. Not as in 'I will never fight again! I hate it now!', more of a 'I will fight again, but right now is not the right time for me'. I know that seems a bit weird, but that is how I felt.

So, obviously, after a rigourous warm up, we were instructed to put on our sparring pads. Obviously. I should probably explain that the next competition is on Nov 11th, and it's the grand finale were all the league winners will come to light, so it's understandable. We all lined up in usual fashion and faced our opponents. The first few I went up against weren't anything special so I could just take it a bit easy for then. I then came up against my older brother, who I mouthed 'I don't want to fight' to, assuming he'd understand and take it easy on me, at least for that one fight. What I didn't realise was that our master was standing behind me watching us, he was cheering my brother, Brian, on as he did a lot better against me than he usually does (Brian later told me that he felt horrible with every hit he landed, haha, poor guy).

If that wasn't bad enough, my next opponent was Joe, the 2004 World Champion. I've trained with Joe a few times, but have never fought him before. He'd been off for quite a while with injuries and personal issues, but wanted to get back into training seriously. Of course I couldn't just sit back with him. Not only would it have been a stupid idea, he wanted to see my skill and as such really pushed me (just like Nathan, why must everyone do that, haha). He was impressed by my performance and was proud of me (or so he said), and I was just frustrated. Joe also told me if I didn't take gold at the next tournament, we would be fighting for 2 hours straight. Thanks, Joe.

I don't know why I'm suddenly so frustrated all the time. I get the feeling it has to do with the fact that I want to be able to close in on the higher grades. We all train with the idea of getting better in mind, but obviously in our school we all train hard, so everyone progresses loads, not just you. It may sound harsh, but I want to go up against the higher grades, not those closer to me, me fellow green tags, etc.

Having said that, when I first started fighting, I used to have problems with one of the guys my grade. He predominantly uses side kicks, and for some reason they would always land. I haven't fought him in months. I train more and harder than he does, so I'd hope I'd win in a fight with him now, but I should probably make sure I can before setting my sights so high.

On Friday Nath told me we have a grading on the 1st. I had no idea. I am so unprepared, and work is a killer, so I can see myself failing. Seems an odd time to have a grading (at least to me), so I think it might to do with the fact that he wants to show us all off at a higher grade in the next competition, a sort of 'look what we've been doing and how quickly we've progressed' kind of thing to the other schools. Can't blame our master, really.

This morning is squad training so I'll leave this entry for now. At some point I should probably read back through it, might give me some fighting spirit back.

Ciao for now.

I've been getting these depressive bouts recently. I've got lots of possible reasons for it, but don't really know why it's happening. But the thing that is letting people know is the fact that when I get them, I don't want to fight. This is both amusing and irritating. I haven't wanted to fight for a week or so now, but my red belt friend, who is also an instructor, thinks that what I actually want to do is fight stupidly hard and try to kill everyone ever.

Today we did cardio, which was fine. It is squad training after all. We then did some one-on-one sparring. This is where one person kicks/punches while the other blocks, and then the second person kicks/punches while the first blocks. Training this way allows you to spot and take advantage of openings without obliterating someone. Done fast it can look like normal sparring sans domination. I picked my way through my opponents, not really giving it my all, not really wanting to fight. Got away with it up until I met Nathan (monsieur red belt).

He's been fighting me harder and harder. Had I been at my best mentally this would be awesome. But not right now, Nathan, not right now. The idea of an 'easy session' went right out the window and I had to buck up least he bash my damn face in. Managed to hold my own against him and at one point (without thinking, actually) delivered a back kick. My master has been wanting me to do that for a loooong time, so he was happy, only after delivering it I didn't follow up, so Nath had time to deflect me.

After the fight Nath tried to congratulate me, but when I get like this I don't want to be congratulated, I think it all to be lies. I turned away from him to show this, and ran straight into my master who congratulated me, ahaha. Timing is everything. I guess.

Nathaniel called me later. He wanted to make sure I wasn't too down for whatever reason, since I put so much time and effort into training. I'm not writing about this to be all "LOOK, GIVE ME SYMPATHY" etc, I'm writing this to show that a dojang like ours is the best. The people train hard all the time, but have hearts of gold. Maybe you're not feeling your best, but sometimes you need to be pushed to get the most out of yourself, and your trainers cottoning onto this is the best.

Anwyay that's it for me. Ciao.

A lot of what I write is common sense, or it's not worth reading, but I am really enjoying writing these.

Yesterday in the morning I went to the gym with my red belt friend. It occurs to me how funny it'd be if I called him 'sir' outside of the dojang. The looks we'd get would be amazing, I think. Anyway. The point was so that he could show me how to use the free weights. Maybe it's obvious how to use them, but I wanted to be shown anyway. As a woman, the free weight section is a bit intimidating. The primary users of it are very built men who make the most obscene noises when lifting heavy objects.

Having looked at weight lifting for some time, this was all exciting! I don't want to be a body builder, not at all, but I do want to target certain areas. I frequent a site (http://www.fitocracy.com/) where you can log your workouts and earn points. Some of the women users I follow use weights, deadlifting, curling, kettlebelling, etc, and they look fantastic and not bulky. Their strength is amazing! The two I particularly look up to are users 'Wani' and 'Buns'. Check them out if you get a chance.

After doing some moderate lifting, for a beginner, and ten mins of cardio, we left. My friend was feeling sick, so it wasn't the longest session ever. The point is, we didn't do /that much/ but MAN I have DOMS today. DOMS stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness and fuck does it feel horrible. You know if you haven't done exercise for a very long time? And then you go and do 100 push ups? Or run 10 miles? The soreness you get the next day is killer. I have it all in my back, arms and back of my thighs. At least it shows I was actually working out.

See, lifting weights in a certain way is great for explosive power. If you put a large weight on your shoulders/back and squat down, and work on exploding upwards with it, your thighs will be able to kick out with much more speed, and much more power. Also your shoulders will be build that way, too, so you can punch faster and cleaner. It's all science.

In the evening was training again. It was the kid class, but we did a bit of tag team sparring with them. The paired up with a 5-6 year old, and we were against a 7 and a 9 year old, or there abouts anyway. Obviously I spent my tag-ins dancing around the kids and teaching them to better their guards and footwork, ect. This was up until I chased one of them to his partner, and he tagged in the ref, my red belt friend. Bit unfair! He said he wanted someone I could actually fight. I think /he/ just wanted to fight.

The point of all of this is to mark that apparently I have improved. My guard is higher and as such much better. I only came to the conclusion today that WTF guards are lower because you're not allowed to punch to the face. I'm a genius. My footwork has vastly improved, I'm able to dodge more and find openings. Still getting hit in the face by some people, but generally a lot less. I'm also achieving head-shots a LOT more, and I put this down to my extra 20mins of stretching a day. I usually finish the day up with it, and it appears to be helped more than expected. Only been doing it a week. My aim is still to do the splits and squat with my feet flat on the floor.

Let's do it.

Today. Today was a good session. I think I missed taekwondo. Don't get me wrong, I love hapkido, but the physical exertion of taekwondo, and the sparring, that's hard to beat. We haven't done any hapkido sparring. I mean, after class we've horsed around, but nothing serious.

I thought today would not be so good, but whilst warming up, I began to feel energised. We did drill and fitness things for a while, before padding up and starting sparring. Not sure what happened to me mentally but before I entered the dojang, I didn't want to fight. After I geared up. Yeah I wanted to fight, back to my usual self, ahehehe.

I accidentally kicked my little bro in the face today. It was a turning kick, pulled, and with pads on, but it caught him on the bridge of the nose. I felt really bad, but at the same time, woo, stretching is working! It was an easy shot to make considering he's taller than me. I'm getting better.

Simply looking at myself in the mirror to judge if my body comp has changed won't work. I can never tell the difference and am never happy. But things like getting head shots, that is a lot easier to tell. And more accurate. This will be my guide instead. Much safer.

Nathan, the red belt, is going to show me how to use free weights tomorrow. We're going to the gym together (at 6:15am! Gosh!), and I know he beasts things, so this will be hard. But I want to see what he does and how I can improve. So far I wander into the gym and do a bit of cardio on my lunch breaks. I need a better routine to help with my fighting and stamina. I need to become what I want to be. I've worked hard to get this far, but I'm still a long way off. So here we go!

Monday has shaken my confidence somewhat rotten, it would appear. Grar.


Yesterday was much more of a hapkido style taekwondo than usual. And of course today was hapkido too. I have no faith in my own rolling, either. Ho hmm. I think my Master has realised I've fucked myself up mentally again. I can't hold his gaze much, haha. Oops! Tomorrow is bagwork, so I should be fine.

At home I am improving on my own stretching. My aim to be able to one leg squat with perfect form (currently I can't get my feet to stay flat on the ground, too tight hamstrings apparently) and the splits. I've been eating better, avoiding shit and too many carbs. I'm not measuring it as such, just being sensible. More unsweet tea (I avoid sugar anyways) to fill up on, too.

This is working because I have a week of holiday, but we'll see what happens when I go back to work. I hope to keep it up!

That's all for now.

This one is, like I said, aimed at looking at my failures yesterday.

Let me backpedal a bit first. Nathan is a red belt in class. He's very good at what he does. On Fridays he takes the kiddy class for an hour. He's only been doing it a few weeks and sometimes finds it frustrating to keep an eye on all the kids so they behave. Since I'd probably be around I offered to help out. Yeah I'm only a green tag, but I'm another set of eyes to tell kids to shut up. He accepted. My role is basically support.

This Monday I came to class ready to help since Nath was covering this kiddy lesson. I held the bag while Nathan was going to show the kids what he wanted them to take turns doing. He's pretty fucking powerful. He's abot 80kg, I think. So over 10kg heavier than I am. And he's built like a shit brick house. Usually I'm fine with it. I take his force and better myself through it. That wasn't quite the case yesterday.

He landed his side kick like he normally would. I clearly wasn't holding the back properly because I ended up punching myself in the face, cutting the inside of my lip, and falling on my ass. The kids found it hilarious, but I was majorly disorientated. I feel like I've lost power. Maybe it was an off day.

The other bit that frustrated me was the jumping flying kicks. You run, you jump, you kick. That's it. I appear to have some inhibition to jumping. I run, then I keep running until I'm past the target and run to the back of the queue. Boom. If I do jump the kick either doesn't follow, or merely strokes the pad. Well fuck you, pad. I just can't do them. Nath asked what he could do to help. I said nothing, since I couldn't even bring myself to do them when in the adult class with my main Master. He's now decided we need 'to work on it together', ahaha. Maybe.

Master Keith is going to be doing some in house awards this year. Best fighter, best female fighter, most improved tkd student, most improved hapkido student, best tkd student and best hapkido student of the year. Pretty cool. I'm supposedly getting the best female fighter of the year, but only because I'm the only female fighter. There'll be a trophy, but it feels like another default win. I have yet to actually win something not by default. Early days yet, I guess.

The competitions I've been going to have a leaderboard for overall points. You get 100 for gold, 50 for silver and 25 for bronze. If I'm to win, I need another gold and silver medal at the next tournament. I'm gonna aim for that. We'll see, again.

Adveentuuuurrreee.

Okay, I will try that last blog again.

Over the weekend, Master Pascal Russello from France came over to give my club a two day seminar on hapkido. He's currently with the Global Hapkido Federation, and is 7th dan (7 levels above black belt) in hapkido and 8th dan (8 levels above black belt) in Jidokwan (trans: school of wisdom, for taekwondo). He's also just an amazing man in general.

When my current master teaches us hapkido, Master Keith Finch, he makes it look easy. He is a strong man, but still manages to make it look effortless despite usually using so much power. I was in awe at his ability to floor even people a lot larger than him. Master Pascal can make it look /even more/ effortless. He is not your stereotypically 'strong' looking man, but the fluidity and grace and tiny movements that he employs often had his demonstration partners on the floor before they knew what had happened. Whilst Master Keith was always shown how to use big movement to floor people in an impressive manner, Master Pascal would use the tiniest, and most ridiculously accurate twists to do whatever he liked with this partner. Simply amazing.

I'd like to point out that neither Master is 'better' than the other, they merely employ different techniques. If the two went head to head, I really don't know who would win. They both have impressive knowledge of taekwondo and hapkido, and are equal opposites in styles. I wouldn't mind watching such a match. ...From a safe distance, of course.

I enjoyed the weekend so much. Usually classes are two, maybe two and a half hours long, but both days consisted of 10am - 12pm, lunch, then 2pm - 5pm of pure hapkido. I didn't think it was that much, since I wasn't as physically tired as with taekwondo, but when I got home on the second day I crashed out. The concentration needed to focus on what we were doing (and the amount of times I was thrown on the floor and had to get immediately back up so I could be thrown again was astounding), and the fact that during the lunch times we'd mess about (sparring, running, using swords + staffs and general fun), meant that when it finally came to the end we'd realise how much we'd actually done.

That fact alone, the idea of not even knowing how tired you are until you stop, is to me the mark of money well spent.

Also, it came to me after the first day, I'm finally beginning to get a better handle on hapkido. It is a very hard martial art to master. Irritating it's taken until green tag to feel this way, but at least I feel it at all. The movements seem to have been commited to muscle memory more, so I don't have to stare at the demonstration in confusion for ten minutes before I realise what the fuck just happened. It helps that now I don't think of 'left foot/hand first, then right', it's more a case of 'whichever hand attacks, move the opposite hand'. This may seem simple, but when you watch someone else doing it and you have to replicate, it gets confusing. Mirror imaging sucks.

Going to leave it there for this one, as in a bit I'd like to write about my failings yesterday. I think if I write them down and try not to take it so personally, I'll get over it quicker and improve. At least I hope.

C'est bien!

Over the weekend, Master Pascal Russello from France came over to give my club a two day seminar on hapkido. He's currently with the Global Hapkido Federation, and is 7th dan (7 levels above black belt) in hapkido and 8th dan (8 levels above black belt) in Jidokwan (trans: school of wisdom)

INTERRUPTING THIS BLOG BECAUSE I JUST GOT BACK from training and it sucked balls because I sucked balls and now I'm pissed off at myself and need to gym tonight to stress it out and then come back and write this properly. Grar.

A lot has been happening in my personal life recently, so I tend to forget to update this.

I'm definitely going to stick with family members not always going together. They don't always work well together, and I find myself rotating out of my pair to split brothers up when they start squabbling. Not great for my learning, really.

Something I'm finding hard to get over, and something I think a lot people would have a hard time getting over, is mastering any form of flying jumping kicks. There's a mental blockage there, and I can't seem to overcome it. I'll run, I'll speed up, I'll go to jump and kick, but something will have me hesitate and as such not achieve anything. The kicks never hit the pad properly. Maybe it's embarrassment at people watching, or the idea of hurting yourself, or maybe just plain ol' lack of self esteem and self belief. I lack both of those with flying kicks.

My kicks, or rather, when my legs snap out at the end of a kick, are getting quicker. The snapping of the dobok (uniform) is fun to listen to. I still need to work on height and I wish to be faster yet. I guess this will come with time.

I felt ill yesterday and didn't go training, and today I'm not sure if I will. I know, I know, perserverence being one one of the tenets (courtesy, integrity, perserverence, self control, indomitable spirit and (for our dojang) loyalty), but I'm bleeding like a freshly slaughtered pig, and am still in pain. I'll figure it out by tonight.

Only a short update today, might update a longer one later.