A quick update to keep things ticking over nicely.

I haven't been to the gym in about a week. Feel a bit disgusting. My diet slipped majorly, too! But today I am attempting to right it, so I'm up nice and early to gym before work, giving me a longer workout. Also to stop being shit and get on top of my diet. Gosh darn. Admitting it has made me realise I have control over it, this is a good thing for sure.

In training it's been hard, I've been getting the shit kicked out of me. One guy, M, kicked me with a back kick on the pad so hard, I flew literally from half way across the hall into the wall. Master K looked horrified but I couldn't stop laughing. M is a 6'4 heavy built guy, I probably should not have held the pad for him, ahaha.

My flexibility is very good at the moment, pushing myself at home/in the gym/in spare time has really helped and it's now beginning to show in class! Woopah! Must keep it up.

I seem to be able to grasp Hapkido a lot better than some others in class, which is good. I usually end up showing people how to do things when I've only seen the technique and not done it before. Yesterday I spent the part where we did Hapkido showing a fair few people in detail how to exact the movement. It's good to know I'm a step ahead of Ramboneses in this department because he used to be better than me at it. Swings and roundabouts!

Sparring hurts, but always go forward. We all had a go at sparring Master K, points style, and I was the ONLY one to go forward and not be scared when fighting him. This lead me to achieve the most (still no points, but the most, haha). So always put pressure on, ignore the belt and experience, because they might have a bad day and you can score off them!

Anyway, that's it from me, gym time!

Today's been an interesting one. I spent the entire day with FP. In the morning, we went to Master K's house, since he and FP are good friends, and we were running an errand for Master K. It was nice to be in his house, to see his life and stuff. However, it quickly went sour when his partner and mum came home, with the dog they had just been told was needing to be put down. It was incredibly sad, and I wish I stayed in the car. I was intruding on something I should not have, a private moment, even though it was FP that dragged me in. So, good and bad start to the day.

FP and I went off to get new uniforms printed (yay! New shiny uniforms!), and then went to Ashdown Forest to get lost for a while. And boy did we. We followed streams, jumped trees, found electric cattle fences. It was awesome. Whenever we do these things, it reminds us how much it will help our training. The stamina needed to walk/run/crawl as much as we do it immense. The balance required not to deck every two seconds, just as immense. It is all helpful. Also very fun!

We missed the karate class tonight. We were stuck in traffic for two hours. It was rubbish tings. I was spending my time winding FP up, and I thought after an hour and a half he was going to punch my face in. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SPEND A WHOLE DAY WITH SOMEONE... AND IT GETS TO THAT POINT. But he didn't punch my face in, so it's all good.

We got to training, and I faired alreet. Stretching and padwork, mainly. Some drill work, too. We did a bit of sparring, and I am learning to pick shots better through countering, not attacking. Getting there slowly! Grading is in about two weeks, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Not sure if I will go to this one. We shall have to see!

Head hurts and I feel sick. Maxed it at gym today. Didn't feel like I did, but when I started feeling sick, I decided to call it quits. At training we did some sparring. I haven't fought in a while, have been avoiding it. Paying the price for it now. I got punched in my head a lot. Made me angry, which is not good. Gotta stay on top of this emotions thing, it's not faring too well for me right now. I feel like a bad fighter. A very bad fighter. Ended up not running with FP after training. Not sure why, he just went home. Disappointed and critical of myself for that, it was probably my fault, even though he was hurting too. Logically, my head really hurts and I feel sick enough to vomit, but just generally feel shit and bleh.

This is probably comeuppance for being an asshole to people. I'm sorry, people. I am.

AW YIS IN A GOOD MOOD LET'S DO THIS!

I've been taking vitamins, zinc, primrose oil and iron tablets this last week because a friend sat me down and called me stupid. Well, actually she argued I was tired as fuck all the time because I was on a calorie and vitamin, etc, deficit and I should really change that, and here are all the tablets from my house take them home and have them all. I've been taking them every morning for a week, and they have made a difference. Not necessarily a good one.

Since I upped the amount of exercise I do, and downed the amount of intake I have, I've been very tired, but generally placid. It's kind of just worked for me for the last six or so months. Taking these supplements have made me become pretty bipolar again. I had the first massive ragefit I've had in six months, I've also had the first massive happiness in six months, and the biggest depression. I am spiking between moods like nobody's business! The highs are wonderful, euphoric, addictive, and the lows almost unbearable. I forgot what it was like to be so... emotive.

My self control has also suffered. I've been very good with diet, and eating in general. And now it is a pain to stop myself. This, however, I can change regardless of mood. I am making my meals in advance and will definitely exercise self control to the max. I will go for a week and see from there.

Training wise, today I pushed myself. We did some running, and it was hard to keep up. Not because of my fitness, but I am short, and everyone else was a taller man. So. Back at the dojang, I actually volunteered us to do flying kicks on the bag! Reading my blog from the start provided some motivation for that one. Pushing myself with stretching. I wanted to be able to do the splits by Monday, but I won't. I am one hell of a lot closer, however. HOOHAH. I will get there!

Helping FP train tomorrow and Wed. He wants to know all his patterns in three weeks when we grade. Good luck to him. It will be good for me to go through all the lower patterns anyway, so I don't cock up again in front of the masters. He has issues with fighting me not in the dojang because I am a woman. I take offence to this, but it's nothing new. I'll manage. I'm not even sure I could win anyway. BUT. I do need to work on my fighting. I'm feeling the fighting spirit come back a bit! Vitamins! Once I've conquered spinning and jumping, it's just breaking left. That one... That one will not be so easy, but challenges are fun. I also don't think FP will let me not break, so. Next week will be good, because I will make it good, vitamins and outbursts be damned!

BRING IT ON.

On Monering day, the class got split into belt grades. All blue belts were together as the highest ranking students there, and we had to spin. Fucking spin. Kind of getting better, but I was concerned other people were watching. Bah humbug. Patterns then went on forever. FP next to me had to drop out because of his shoulder, and he got to go do some padwork with a new girl. I was instantly jealous of the padwork, which shows how much we've been doing patterns lately.

After training FP and I met up to do some running. His shoulder came out within 10 minutes, so we stopped running and went to explore instead. We found a bridge we hadn't found before, and the rules are obviously 'bridge = go over it right this second'. We split off from the main path and went into the forest. It was dark, muddy, and fucking hard work. We then got lost. Very lost. So lost that when we back tracked, we still didn't know where we were. After continuing for what seemed like an hour (we didn't take our phone. Gj, guys), we took a new route... and were still lost. Eventually we came across a motorway, in a town very far from where we'd started. We ran back on the motorway, and then had to navigate through our original town (which is hard when you don't go to the outskirts much, not even at night!) all the way back to the car. The excursion cost us 5 or so hours.

Being absolutely knackered was good. The training we got from balancing in the forest, working muscles through the mud and hills, the reflexes from trying not to deck or get hit in the face with plants, it was all intense and fun at the same time. Even if I did almost fall asleep on some logs at one point.

The problem was the next day FP was back in hospital, and it's really my fault. Beforehand, the way I figured it was that because he didn't care about his shoulder, then why should I. I can't stop what he does. However, in Tuesday's lesson, Master K said he was worried about FP. He was trying to run before he could walk, and told the class at another point that seniors are there to help the juniors. I feel this was directed at me for encouraging his behaviour. I mean, sure I can't stop him, but I as his senior, I should be more mindful of what he can/can't do. I then texted him to apologise and it all went downhill. I'm one of the only people who don't treat him like a cripple, and he was angry and upset that I now was treating him as such.

This happens a lot. I break people, I think. I don't mean to, I am a challenging person. My personality is to contest what others do (or completely simper, but that's another thing completely), and offer new opinions and perceptions about things. Sometimes it's good for people, and most times it is not. I should really just become a hermit and not influence anyone ever. Ever.

I'm off to see how FP is doing. I'll kick his injured ass so I can feel better, and probably just abstain from doing things with him outside of training from now on. I know I can't stop encouraging him, so might as well just piss off. We'll see.

This last week has been okayish. Relatively chill stuff, if I remember correctly. Monday I got a bit frustrated doing some three-step, simply because I was getting things wrong. It probably didn't help that today is the first time I've slept well in over a week. It wasn't too bad, however. I worked with green belt FP, and he bruised the fuck out of my weak lil' extremities (even though he wasn't meant to train, he'd just been in hospital! Dickhead!).

Tuesday was, again, okayish. Lil' bit of sparring, I think. Did some black belt stuff to prepare the two black belts who were grading today. I got the hold the pads for the jumping bits, rather than have a go. Both disappointed but glad, haha. I know I would've made a mess of it, so it's okay. I got to be useful in another way, at least!

I have actually forgotten Wednesday.

Thursday was a bad day for me. Some personal stuff happened, and one of the people involved were at the club. I had to work late, so got there late for the senior lesson, and the person was there and it was awkward and stuff and I think the masters were suspicious, haha. It's all resolved now, but sometimes I just don't want to be at the club and I'm not the best at hiding it when I perform.

Couldn't make the Friday or Sat sessions, and the squad today was cancelled. Instead there was the black belt grading, where my friends N and R graded to first and second dan respectively. It was amazing to watch. I am now confident I won't be a black belt. They did things that I won't do, and actually, since watching them do that, I'm okay with it. I'm okay not being a black belt. I'm just going to be my level, which is just under.

This last week I've been hanging out with FP on a training level. He wants to improve his cardio and patterns, and asked me for help. This gives me another excuse to exercise, so I am helping him. We go for some runs in a local woods/park, and then we explore the woodlands as a cool down. All at night, of course. My friend C will join us when FP has upped his stamina and cardio. Eventually, it will be nice to have a little group of us from training doing this little extra stuff together.

At the gym! I can officially leg press over my current body weight! I weight about 62-63kg, and can leg press 75 (I think it is. Definitely in the 70s). Apparently, it is optimum to be able to lift, etc, 115% of your body weight in your major muscle groups. I need to get on that!

My stretching needs a lot of improving. Sure I can kick head height, but my calves and my back are to tight all the time. Gotta work on it. Which I will go do now, actually! So, next week is a new and hopefully better week.

I am so very. Very. Very fucking tired. Haven't slept properly in about a week. No reason for it, not that I can find anyway. It's taking its toll on me now. I'd attribute it to stress, but I'm always (and as such never?) stressed, so it's not that, I don't think. On top of that, I do a lot of exercise now. I say now. I mean even more exercise now. I do extra running and longer gym sessions. I WILL become great. Maybe.

Classes have been up and down, in general. Some days I can do anything, others, I want to go home within 10 mins. We were taught for one class by that world champ I mentioned a while back, the one I don't particularly like. I started off very interested. Despite not liking the guy, I know he is highly skilled and had the potential to pass on lots of lessons and teachings. He did not. He appears to like the sound of his own voice, is quite arrogant, and not good at teaching. In my opinion, anyway. Still highly skilled, just not at teaching or being humble. Ah well! He's not around much!

Today I was so very tired, I wasn't paying 100% attention. I had to teach Master C Kodang, which was a bit cool. Ramboneses admitted he was jelly. It is a big honour. He got it pretty quickly! I was quite proud of him, haha.

I think my reactions have gotten quicker. I won't know for sure until I fight someone of a higher standard (so far I've fought mainly lower grades for a while), but I'd like to think so. I've been spurring some belts on, too, hoping they'll better themselves. I often neglect my own skills in favour of improving someone else. I keep meaning to stop that, but I end up doing it. Others come above me, apparently.

In the senior class we were pushed. Which is, of course, good. We all need a good pushing. And now. I need to bathe and retire to bed, to see if sleep will allude me again. I don't doubt it will, but I can pretend.

Goodnight, blog.

Today's been hectic. Went for a trail run with a friend at 07:30, in a woods in the midst of no where. I taught him some patterns (in a field? What?), and then argued with him as he said he would refuse to give me a lift (I was lost a bit in the woods) if I didn't practice spinning kicks for him. I won, I didn't spin. After that, we hit his gym. I love seeing people's gyms, they're all different. It had a basement with a mirror wall, allowing me to check my forms and do general things by myself (I'm a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to gym, I don't always tend to do what my partner for the day does). The rest of the gym was cool, too, got shown a few new exercises (and hated them).

Slightly bummed out by the fact that my coccyx STILL haven't healed enough after 2 months to do any form of comfortable rowing. I can't sit on them properly, either. Frustrating.

I went to help out the karate class today as well. I was the only Jun Tong (Korean for traditional, our school name) student there. I was pretty enthusiastic and so helped liven the other students up today. They ended up pretty excited!

Helping the kids in the junior class, however, made me very angry. I had to shout a lot and use a stern voice, which was making me angry. Master L didn't take them today because he was annoyed with them, too, and needed to step away, leaving them to me. I made them behave, but BOY was it effort. Also I hate disrespect from arrogant kids. But we managed it, we got through the class!

The biggest thing today was that we did spinning and jumping today in senior class. And I had a real go at both! I mean, I have a lot of improvement to make, but I kept trying. My height is fine, I just have issues with believing enough to make more contact. I'm happy that I actually just managed to really try things like jumping back kick, spiral kick, double flying sidekick, etc. Usually I get pissed at one flying side kick and give up. Spinning was the same, I tried a fair bit, before starting to feel sick and just holding the pad, haha. My friend C also improved. I think maybe me trying harder at the jumping and spinning made her try harder too. If I can make a real attempt when she knows I fucking hate it, she can too! Good for her, she is much improved.

My friend said today. Well, /I/ took it as such, but he's being an asshole and denying it. My friend said by being underconfident in jumping, spinning and breaking, I wasn't worth my blue belt. I fucking agree. He's backtracked now, thinks the opposite or some such, but I had liked that I felt it was truthful. It seems to have kicked my ass back on track. Weird. Anyway, I am so tired I am about to drop. Screw other people being too much, I need some sleep and to gym tomorrow. Night.