Officially told my master I'm not grading in Dec yesterday. Felt good. I told him I simply wasn't worthy of it. I don't train enough and am not committed enough to wear a black belt. All other colours I can maybe get over, but I need to feel like I deserve my black belt.

Back tracking a bit, I did referring for the tournament! I was all official like and was told I did a really good job throughout. It was hard work, a lot of concentration is needed. I know fighting is hard too, but at least they only have so many matches. Referring goes on the whole day. I didn't really get a break (sans when everyone went to lunch). Really fighting is harder, but I just wanted some buttpets, haha.

There were some really good, intense fights, like the heavyweights. Insane watching their power. There were also some disrespectful fighters from other schools. Shame I wasn't first ref for their match, I would have given them a hard time. Despite this, they won medals. Pretty much everyone bar one or two won medals. Without sounding harsh, it's a bit like they were given out like candy. But at least those guys took part, haha.

I took the junior class yesterday. So far I've only done warm up, stretches, a wee bit of drill work with kiddies, so that was interesting. It went pretty well. The senior class was a little intense since I've become fat, unfit and lazy, but not overly so. I still kept up so I'm not completely lost, hehe.

Onwards to another lesson tonight.

Hello, blog!

I don't remember if I ever said, but I quit my job about 2-3 months ago for various personal reasons. It affected everything in my life, including my training. I've found a new job and start tomorrow, which means hopefully I should be back on track! It'll be a case of up early to stretch, then work, (when I have enough money again it'll be back to the gym at lunch times), training and some running if my partner and I feel like it in the evenings/kid lesson days. I'll be watching my diet as well, making a lunch the night before instead of buying things in town.

I've done four days of training this week, and my partner and I were walking around somewhere and found free outside table tennis, which we hogged for over an hour. Based on how rubbish we were we must've burned so many calories at a) the exertion of new exercise and b) spending more time running after the ball than playing. Still fun!

Kids class again tomorrow, gonna get into the swing of things. My Master wants me to grade to Bo Dan (recommended black belt) in Dec. I don't think any of us inteded to grade will be ready, but hey ho. Recommended black belt means you have a black belt, but with no inscriptions, just plain. It means you're ready to make the final drive to 1st Dan. However if you pass your Bo Dan grading you have 6 months to take your 1st Dan test. If you don't, or you fail it, you're bumped back down to red belt black tag. Just another reason I don't want to grade yet.

In November the club is hosting its first tournament and a fair few schools will be attending. There are fighting and non-fighting catergories. I'm not partaking in this one but I have been enlisted to referee. I'd thought this an honour until my partner pointed out they're using me for free. Bastard, making me feel lousey. Still feel like it's a bit of an honour based on the fact I'll be the only colour belt doing such an official job, but it has been sullied a bit. Not the end of the world. I get to shout and disqualify people as well as judge patterns. It'll be good experience at least.

To sum this all up, I basically feel like I have all the black belt attributes with none of the skill. I can teach, referee, and am not afraid of grade when fighting, but I have no skills for others to learn from, I can shout and act like a referee while maybe not making the right call, I go forward in fighting, but without skill I fail. Shame really. I'll get through it, I guess, but not for some while. I guess at least I've won half the battle, be glad that I only have half to go.

Ja ne~

Went training yesterday for a kiddie session, but instead it was much more like what I'm actually after. Master K took all the kiddies to get ready for their grading next Sunday, and the three black tags and I got to decide and coach ourselves. I really enjoyed this. I got to work a lot on cardio and in general my own things to improve. I sent two black tags off to teach a little girl because neither of them have teaching experience, and they needed it. Master K was happy with that, too. I'm a fan of teaching by working on your own weak points, that way you get some useful practice in too. Obviously you tailor it to your audience, but you get the idea.

Today was a mammoth squad session. 3 hours long. Warm up was average, taken by a 2nd dan, just felt like a normal session to start with. It quickly ramped up. Master Beefy (a rather ironic nickname) took a fair bit, and switched it up with the 2nd dan, Master L and Master K. We worked all sorts, mainly cardio and sparring drills. I've never trained with Master Beefy, so it was cool to show him my skills, and to see his/how he teaches. The man is tall and rather incredible.

A confidence booster was that he was impressed with my power and tendency to just drive forward. We did a few points sparring rounds, and I won all but one of mine. I lost by one point. The annoying thing was that the last point should have been two points to me, as I'd gotten my opponent with a turning kick to the body. Only one ref saw it, the other two counted the punch, and so I lost. I was pretty angry, I lost against a blue belt (my little brobee Boob). I stopped being a hissy fittin' little bitch, though and praised him. He's improved very well. At the end of the session as I shook Master Beefy's hand, he told me I was an 'awesome fighter', which is quite nice.

In other news, my partner managed to convince me to try a lesson of Kyokushinkai out. Massive hall, lots of equipment, and it's run like an actual business, how it should be run. The lesson itself was fun, but simply too similar to what I currently do to be able to practice both at the same time. They were very impressed with my punching skills, and rather impressed with my power also. Shame I can't do both, it seems quite fun! What I did take from that lesson, however, is renewed envigour in sorting my own shit out at the club. Don't do enough cardio? Tell the instructors. Don't want to teach? Don't. Think something would benefit the club? Don't grumble about it, do it. Stop using it as an excuse to bitch, get on with improving things!

On the topic of teaching.. I might actually end up teaching a class myself, ahaha. One of the new girls at the club, a 10 year old white belt, has been given to me to coach. Since I'm there early on a Wednesday I offered to teach her one-on-one in that time (mainly for confidence in sparring. She keeps crying and not wanting to do it). Master K was chatting the other day and talking about a ladies only class, because it's a very female thing to back away/be scared of fighting/not do certain kicks. Obviously, as the only high ranking female there, it'd be down to me to teach it.

Whilst I don't want to teach, this would give me a gateway into improving the club. Certain things can be run the way I want it to, and if it goes down well, the feedback would be passed on to instructors/masters, and possibly implemented. Not too sure yet. All the little girls would be hard work.

Anyway. We'll see how things go!

Long time since I last updated, no? Oh dear, haha.

Looking back, I notice that I only blogged up until the second/third day of the seminar. In brief, I confronted some people about how I was being treated during the seminar, and Master K turned around and issued the explanation of "I was worried you were being lead astray. You're a good person." Hmmm. During one of the seminar days, I clashed shins with my buddy N, and cut muscle. Owing to that, I didn't attend one of the sessions. Turns out, they did an impromptu grading during that session, and all the rest of the red belts were promoted to black tag. I was not. There were no second chances for those not there, not even for those who had to go to work instead of a morning session.

It is because of this that I no longer care about the grading system (at least, not of this club). I was told continuously that "It was a shame you weren't there, we really wanted you to grade!", and the Grandmaster who held the seminar took me aside to say he saw ridiculous potential in me. Apparently he didn't see a black tag or a black belt, he saw a master, and that I should continue to my potential no matter what. Unfortunately words don't mean much if your actions don't back them up. I was the only red belt left behind. I don't believe I deserved the belt, but in the same vein I also don't believe certain others deserved their black tag either. It was given away.

To me, I can kick and fight to the level that I can. A belt is just a colour for others to arrogantly judge you by. If you're a white belt who can kick someone in the throat, then what does the belt matter? You can still achieve what you can achieve. I was graded recently in a class anyway. I did appalling due to health issues and was still told I did awesomely. Hmm.

Either way, I don't train as much as the club anymore. I help out in some kid classes and do some training when I can, but the club doesn't offer me much anymore. It feels like progression is slowed by inconsistency, free belts, and little discipline. Maybe it's the fact that I'm currently unemployed, my mum's on emergency dialysis, and my partner's anger at how I'm treated. Maybe I'll get my motivation back, but I feel jaded. FP went to a Kyukoshinkai Karate club yesterday. I watched for a bit and was far more excited watching for that 15 mins than I have been at my club in a while. Perhaps it's time for a change. But I'm close to black belt. Whilst it's just a colour, it's also easier to explain to people. It also feels like an end point, I'd be less of a failure. I'm a bit of a hypocrite with words, I know. We'll see how this continues, I guess! Getting a job will probably set me straight. I hope.

Anyway, this is already long enough, so until I next update! 

Everything is fucked up.

Recently I started dating FP. Through dating him, I started to become aware of little bits of the club that I wasn't meant to see. This is mainly because FP was so close to our master. I saw that one of the black belts wasn't treated fairly when he was the most loyal, I saw how other masters were talked about when they weren't there and such like. Beyond this, I saw how our master reacted to things.

A couple of weeks ago the Wednesday classes were stopped, owing to there not being enough students. The Monday classes went from being a junior and a senior lesson, to a slightly longer junior lesson. Feeling that I wanted to keep up my training, I began to look elsewhere for extra lessons. I would still do my normal tkd, just some extra. This would also help for my little side project. I never got around to actually going elsewhere. FP had talked to master K, and effectively told him he could not train elsewhere. FP said he wouldn't be stopped, and master K responded by saying at least do both clubs, and that he would train FP in MMA personally. During that conversation, apparently it came to light that I was not to train anywhere else ever. This was never said to my face. In fact, my master probed others about it behind my back, even after I had explained one of the reasons I wasn't at the club last Monday was because I took my mum to hospital. He hadn't believed me and thought I was at another club.

I do not enjoy being told I can't do something behind my back. I do not enjoy being thought of as a liar despite how fucking loyal I've been.

I am getting sick and tired of dealing with children. They automatically come to me now. During the seminar I was told the masters would step up and take the children off me, only for that to last five minutes. I was back with the children, learning nothing. The seminar week this week has three sessions a day (or it did). During one the waiting periods between sessions, I was asked by a parent (one I respect), to babysit. So I did. They were roudy, but roughly kept in line. Later, one of the master shouted at the adults there, FP, my brother, myself, for not keeping them in line enough. It wasn't our job. We did the best we could with lots of young, excitable, bored children. I shouldn't even be with them anymore, according to that same master.

On Tuesday, I didn't go to the seminar, even though I paid a LOT of money for it. I couldn't face the children. And now I am being called a traitor behind my back, that FP is leading me away. I am incredibly upset about all this, and just a little bit sick of life. Everyone and thing can fuck off, I can't deal with this.

I am alive! And yes, still training!

Lots has been going on. Right now, I train from 5:30-8:00 in the morning with FP. We run, stretch, and do hardcore training. I then go to work, work a full shift, and go training again in the evenings, 7:30-9:30. So quite a bit of training! Have already seen the improvement in working with FP in the morning. He can focus on one-on-one coaching, which is a bit beyond awesome.

FP and I are also working on a martial art project. We've both become fully invested, and are spending quite a bit of free time on it. Hopefully I'll be able to tell you more about it once it's all laid out and we're closer to the date we're hoping to make it public. Looking at end of October! Gonna be hard pushed, but it's possible!

What will become difficult is for us to make time for just off-days, just fun days and messing about. We both want to train hard, and to work hard on our project, but he's also saying to be strict on having some us time. Fair enough, but I will find that hard. I feel useless and lazy if the day isn't filled with training and work!

In just under two weeks time a grandmaster is coming to visit us and give a week long seminar. There will also be a 8th dan with him. We'll be training twice a day for seven days. 10:00-13:00 and then 19:00-21:00 or so. I am excited for this! I have that week off work so I can devote my time to it, and the inbetween seminar times to the project! I also have the week after that off, so can focus on training and project for a solid week. So excited.

One of the things we worked on in morning training today was kicking head height. The awesome thing was that I could actually apply it when it came to the evening class! Improvement in one day, awwww motherflip yes. You get out what you put in. I keep getting damaged, but you have to press on. If it's not serious enough to seek medical advice, push on. Obviously listen to your body, too, but get outside your comfort zone! I bummed my foot up this morning, but I managed to land a twin flying side kick today! So proud!

Anyway, I'm pretty beat, so catch you all around!

No training on Wednesday, bought a medicine ball instead. Also went to gym after work and whilst working out, had the most painful stabbing pain in my brain. Probably from overstepping the mark and pushing too much. Thought it was a stroke at first, so called it short after that.

Thursday saw Master K showing us off to the two new ex-TAGB guys who've joined us. We did jumping kicks, and I was told to do different ones to the rest of the class, I guess in order to preserve the club image. It makes sense, so it's okay. We also did some patterns, and then the black belts concentrated on theirs.

Friday was a bit of a piss take. FP managed to get partnered with the only other adult, so his training was fine. My training was shit. I had to keep telling children off, and Master J got irritated at them as well, and I was paired with a little yellow belt girl. It's not that she was bad, but I got absolutley no satisfaction from it at all.

Yesterday evening I went out with a friend to the cinema. The seat collapsed underneath him (seriously, he needs to sue), and as he went down, his shoulder dislocated and we had to be blue-lighted to hospital. We spent hours there, him in a fuck tonne of pain. Only one doctor was any use. We had to call Master K in to help pull the shoulder back into place as none of the staff were strong enough. Because of all this polava, I was going to skip squad this morning. Was just so tired. But FP turned up to drag me there. I am actually glad he did!

We ran around the lake in the nearby forest/park. I was at the back for the most of it, not because I'm unfit or slow, but everyone else is a 6' man, and my diddy legs struggle to keep up with them! Unfair! After that it was slab training, which I aced. Then some padwork. I got paired with N, which is cool because he pushed me. When I was switched to being paired with P, I was not nearly so productive. We finished off with some sparring. At one point, my opponent was N, and actually was really fun. We didn't have our gear on, it was all light contact, and was fast. I feel I fair alright against N, and he pushes me hard when sparring a) to help me and b) because he wants to train harder anyway! I'm okay with that.

New week tomorrow. Gym before work, training after. Gotta get that routine going again!

So this is it. Time to take things seriously an even bit more. I've asked FP to help train me (although he insists it's 'train with', not 'train'). He was looking at getting in the cage in 6 months, and has a ridiculous amount of experience as a fighter. Since he's doing that anyway, I thought I could tag along for the ride. My aim may not be the same, but the methods will help me improve my fighting above others at the club, and be a deadly fighter in general.

Yesterday we stood in the car park and he helped 'condition' my thighs. Which fucking hurt. My arms aren't too weak, my stomach, etc, is actually very strong. But my thighs... yeesh. Wasn't aware how unconditioned they were until they took a few serious hits. In sport taekwondo, hitting below the belt is illegal, so there's not much need to condition the thigh. In kyokushinkai karate, they train almost excessively to deal with this pain as their rules allow leg kicks. Bruised up today.

He gave me a pep talk this morning, which included the usual 'no pain, no gain' kind of talk. But beyond that, he explained how when you're fighting, there's nothing scarier than hitting your opponent as hard as you can, and him not feeling a thing because he's conditioned. That's why we condition. We don't WANT to take hits, but we need to be able to deal with them if he do get caught out. Every morning I need to work on stretching and conditioning. At lunchtimes (or after work if time allows), it'll be gym, focusing on cardio and strength, and obviously after work mainly is training. Buying a medicine ball to help, too.

I am glad FP puts up with my bullshit and then beats me when I'm being a child. Yesterday I sucked in class, and (I'm sure it wasn't meant that way, nor was it wholly seriously) my belt was called into question. Obviously that's a sore point for me, so I kind of... switched off a bit. Still tried, just, felt shit the entire time. Headaches lasting days don't help either. I also accidentally punched my friend in the face. GOOD JOB RED BELT MEANS 'DANGER, NO CONTROL', AHAH.

Anyway. After class, FP helped me get out of my funk by beating the shit out of me and finding my yelps of pain highly amusing. Once I'm trained enough, I'll give him whatfor. I think we'll make a damn fine looking pair of fighters, actually! All stretched this morning, so off to do some conditioning against the corner of a wall. Off we go!

Ah, Monday.

Yesterday squad was cancelled, so instead I killed it at the gym. Seriously killed it. Was knackered all day, and then ended up only sleeping 2 hours at night for certain reasons. Did enjoy it though, closer to doing splits!

Today's training was frustrating to say the least. Master K's messed his shoulder up majorly so he can't take the classes. Master L took it instead, which is fine. The warm up was awesome. At one point we were too slow doing some things, so we had to do 101 sit ups as quickly as we could. I powered through to 50 before he stopped us and explained it was about willingness. I shone because I didn't grumble, I just worked really hard to get to 50 before others got to 23. I was prepared to do all 101. Being such an adrenaline rush with the warm up, I was majorly pumped.

What actually happened was I was used as an instructor, more or less. I was put in command of various things including line work, patterns and reffing point sparring. Whilst none of that bothers me, it helps the class out and is an amazing honour, I got to do no training other than the warm up. FP noticed and said I should tell Master L to stop being lazy and leaving me in charge. FP is quite outspoken when it comes to these matters, he believes grade means nothing if you're taking advantage of someone and stopping their learning. I don't think I can make myself confront Master L in that way. I will continue to help out, and work on the skills that gives me. I get the feeling FP will talk to people on my behalf anyway, jammy git, haha.

I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll all be fine.

I fixed the issue in my personal life. Rather than doing my usual, this one meant enough to me to actually try. It's worked out, and I'm fucking glad. My training will progress even better now.

I guess what I want to say is that we all have set backs, but what sets us apart is breaking through them and not letting them define us. My set backs have defined who I am all my life, and I am strong for it, but I can now no longer gain strength from it, I have to move forward.  Good luck to others doing this too! (:

A little update about the new club yesterday.

Our 7th dan Master, 5th dan Master, 1st dan black belt, FP the green belt and myself, red belt, all turned up at the club that has joined under us. The class was quite big, about 20 or so people, which was cool! Their grades ranged from white to green, with one blue stripe and one black belt (I think he was 2nd dan, I forget). Our 7th dan took the class, and we did a bit of everything! Sparring, patterns, padwork, drills and self defence/hapkido.

Since I was one of three seniors (masters not included), I helped out a lot with the class. A good bunch of people, actually! I really enjoyed teaching and working with them, and made a fair few new friends. They were very respectful, listening and absorbing everything I said. During the lesson I realised that our club is a lot harder than this club. They donned the whole gear for sparring (boots, shin guards, groin guards, gloves, gum shields, head protectors), while we tend to just use gloves and boots if we have them. They looked shocked when I only put on gloves. They also could take a lot less pain wise when people demonstrated hapkido techniques on them.

I don't point this out to get an ego boost, but more as a reflection of how I didn't really think we were that hardcore. I mean, because you don't know any other way than the way you train if you're new, you just go along with it. When people in the club would say "yeah we're harder than x", I used to just see it as a bit of a joke within the club. Actually we are pretty hard. But what is more interesting is that we are polite and good people with it. We never use it to exact brutality on our demonstrating partners (not on purpose, anyway!), or to be derogatory to others. In fact, we strive to teach them in order to help. Just struck me as odd.

In other news, I may have messed up again. I am good at that. However, in the last two months I've improved a lot mentally, and rather than be upset, I'm going to accept and figure out how to better my mentality further. Sometimes others need space, and can't be rushed. This is important. This is also a learning curve for me, I am bad at not-shallow relationships. That means I can act really well (e.g. for this new club, making them feel comfortable and be likeable to them), but I am very bad at real friendships and relationships. I'm getting better, hopefully. So yessss. WE SHALL SEE, YES.

I update a little less these days! It's because I have more to do these days!

Thoughts on being a red belt: Terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I've graded stupidly fast to this point. I think I've graded faster than even the now 1st dan, N. I've double graded twice in my martial arts career, which is ridiculous! But for all this, it shows how much work I have to do. If I want to achieve a black belt any time soon (usually to obtain black belt, it takes you about 3 1/2, 4 years), much sooner than most, I need to kick it up a gear. Today I felt shit, but gave jumping back kicks a good run for their money!

Patterns, I'm fine with. I was used by today's master as reference, even for the senior grades. Clearly doing something right. Today I didn't spar because of how I felt, but I was put up to ref. The master wants me to ref if we do competitions. I like that I'm being used in such a way, not because I get to run from fighting, but because it means I'm going to have good, strong skills in all areas, not just one or two areas, or being rubbish in general.

I'm back at the gym, too. Gotta get my head back in the game. I'm due to grade early to my black tag and there is so much more work to be done first!

Tomorrow, FP, me and a few others are going to a club that has joined under our JTF school. We're going to show support, and also to show that club how we train, and how good we are. It should be interesting! Gotta be on form for that, for sure.

Anyway, going to bath and relax. Hope you all are achieving great things also!

I'm a motherfucking red belt. Graded this morning. Apparently pass mark of 100%.

It's an odd feeling. I don't think I deserve it, but I never do? All blue belts grading together managed to get a red belt instead of a red stripe. I would be more up for disputing it bar two things: 1) P, the blue stripe, was told he wouldn't be double grading when he finished, that he wasn't ready to be red stripe, and 2) it still hasn't sunk in yet.

My head really hurts at the moment. We started at 10:30 this morning, and I left the dojang at 15:00. So a long day. We did drills, which took me a little while to get into, I was pretty fookin' nervous. We then did patterns, which I actually managed to remember! Last time I mega-messed up, the only area I lost points in. This time it all went smoothly as fuck (actually I messed up bit but correctly myself quickly enough that it looked like part of the pattern. OH YEAH, PLAYA). We moved onto one step and then some self defence. Then we did some cardio tests with the sparring gear on. I did well on that part, since I drill it outside the club. My cardio was the best there out of the blue belts, which is nice, because it shows the work I put in outside of alloted class time. Then we did fighting, three rounds of one-on-one, and then two rounds of two-on-one. I've never fought two-on-one before, and it was pretty hard. I took a fair few hits as sacrifice for moving, and that is why my head hurts right now. After the fighting was theory, the finishing part of the grading.

The fighting was interesting. I made one of my sparring partners cry, but because I didn't want him to fail based on an injury, I coached him through the match when he was about the give up. He earned his red belt today. The other one-on-one fights were okayish, nothing unusual. The two-on-one was again, pretty interesting. One of the rounds I had a little guy and a tall guy. At one point I turned my back on the lil' guy, 'cause I knew he couldn't do much damage, and just went for the taller one full pelt. He didn't enjoy that much! But it worked. With multiple opponents, stay out of the middle, line them up so you can take them on one at a time. Fact. The masters said as a woman, I take one fucking hell of a beating and keep going. It's true, I get hit a lot but it doesn't bother me much. They said even a lot of men can't take the beating I do, and it's one of the reasons they liked me from day one, I didn't back down, I just got up and went for it again, which is rare in fighters and especially women fighters. I want to show the lower grade women of the club how to be as good as the guys (not that we aren't already, but sometimes in a male dominated class, it can feel that way).

Self defence was a larf. I was with a black tag, and I may have been nervous and on edge enough that I hit him pretty hard a few times. At one point, he thought he'd be cocky and 'try something a little different', so he tried to strangle choke me around the neck. As he did so, I asked if he was sure he wanted to do that. He said yes. So (slightly quicker, more accurately and powerfully then I thought myself capable of) I jabbed him in the throat, and he choked and let go instantly. The master panels wet themselves.

So all around, an awesome grading. Can't believe I got 100%. And that I double graded. wtf. Now I just have to mainly work on flexibility and spinning kicks, according to my head master. I can do that!

I could not have graded, as far as I'm concerned, if it wasn't for the help of FP. We spent 6 hours after work yesterday going through things. He beat the shit out of my several times, I ended up on the floor more than him, and he put up with my bullshit breakdowns and hissy fits through the entire time. Because of the things we'd gone through, and he didn't let me take the easy route, when I actually came to do them on weaker people, it was so much easier than I anticipated. FP is a fucking saint for putting up with how I was acting.

His shoulder came out just before grading today, so he didn't get to grade. He's worked so hard, that I could feel him just... die a bit inside when he was told to not grade. He stayed to cheer me on, even though he could've just been consumed by the asshole-ish situation he was put in. They're going to grade him separately... just when his shoulder is back in. On that note, I got the watch one of the masters put his shoulder back in. Fuckin' weird! The entire shoulder blade was like.. half way down his back. Master K had to man handle it back in with such force! Then he had to pop the shoulder joint back in, too. FP's legs went from under him both times. Interesting to watch. I probably looked well morbid, watching that, ahaha. OH WELL!

I am still headachey, so I'm going to stop here. Might be training in the morning now, as well as gym at lunch and training after work. I have two months before my black tag. Fucking hell, is all I can say.

Tonight was a night of revelations. The night I learned I was sick.

Yesterday during a mainly patterns class, Master K announced that the blue belts grading on Sunday have a chance of being graded to red belt straight up. This was met with a lot of shock. Double gradings are rarely done these days, especially not past yellow, maybe green belt. I've been feeling stupidly hesitant about grading to red tag anyway, but this has made the pressure even greater. I've been trying to get out of grading. I am not ready to be a blue belt, let alone anything higher. I confided this in FP, and he was vaguely outraged. He believes me to be beyond ready, and is trying hard to get me to grade.

Up until tonight, I had been ignoring him.

I told N I wasn't ready to grade today, and he discussed it through with me. He understood where I was coming from as not being ready, since he himself skipped a grading between blue belt and blue belt red stripe. He too was shocked at the idea of any of us double grading at blue belt. He suggested I talk to Master K about it tomorrow, but I explained I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I talk to him, he will be disappointed. He can be emotional, and I worry he might be about this. He wants me to do well, not only for when Grandmaster RD comes across, but also because I am a female role model for the girls of the club, and am to be the first female he's had from white belt through to black. This is a ridiculous amount of pressure, and I feel I can't live up to it. N sympathised, and said it wasn't a nice situation to be put in. At least I'm not alone in my thinking.

FP, on the other hand, took a different stance. He challenges me a lot, both physically and mentally. He brings things up I don't want to broach, on purpose, to get me to face them. Today we learned I am sick. I think everyone lies. Because everyone does. I lie, about all sorts, small and large. If I lie, so easily, too, about the trivial and the not, then doesn't it stand to reason everyone else is too? And in such a case, how can we tell what is and is not a lie? We can't. Everyone lies about everything. With that said, if everyone lies, what's the point in anything? I used to think that how I thought was just a defence mechanism, I didn't really believe everyone lied, it was just something I said. But then I realised I do, 100% believe in it. It's natural to me.

This is when I realised that my old joke, the joke of being not all mentally there, is true. And I don't know how to get better. I want to get better,  I don't want to be sick, but how do you conquer such a thing? FP and I discussed this for a long while. He said if I don't get better, I will self-destruct. That was another old joke of mine, that I would be my own demise. I don't know what to do, but whatever I'm meant to do, it'll be done in the tiniest steps for sure. I am not sure if I should approach Master K tomorrow. It'll be the last time I see him before the grading on Sunday, if I go. It will be my only chance. This will either make or break both my career in martial arts, and my life in general.

Sorry this post isn't strictly MA related. It's more of a rant. I'm torn between two people I hold in very high regard, and this is my outlet. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Goodnight, blogworld.

A quick update to keep things ticking over nicely.

I haven't been to the gym in about a week. Feel a bit disgusting. My diet slipped majorly, too! But today I am attempting to right it, so I'm up nice and early to gym before work, giving me a longer workout. Also to stop being shit and get on top of my diet. Gosh darn. Admitting it has made me realise I have control over it, this is a good thing for sure.

In training it's been hard, I've been getting the shit kicked out of me. One guy, M, kicked me with a back kick on the pad so hard, I flew literally from half way across the hall into the wall. Master K looked horrified but I couldn't stop laughing. M is a 6'4 heavy built guy, I probably should not have held the pad for him, ahaha.

My flexibility is very good at the moment, pushing myself at home/in the gym/in spare time has really helped and it's now beginning to show in class! Woopah! Must keep it up.

I seem to be able to grasp Hapkido a lot better than some others in class, which is good. I usually end up showing people how to do things when I've only seen the technique and not done it before. Yesterday I spent the part where we did Hapkido showing a fair few people in detail how to exact the movement. It's good to know I'm a step ahead of Ramboneses in this department because he used to be better than me at it. Swings and roundabouts!

Sparring hurts, but always go forward. We all had a go at sparring Master K, points style, and I was the ONLY one to go forward and not be scared when fighting him. This lead me to achieve the most (still no points, but the most, haha). So always put pressure on, ignore the belt and experience, because they might have a bad day and you can score off them!

Anyway, that's it from me, gym time!

Today's been an interesting one. I spent the entire day with FP. In the morning, we went to Master K's house, since he and FP are good friends, and we were running an errand for Master K. It was nice to be in his house, to see his life and stuff. However, it quickly went sour when his partner and mum came home, with the dog they had just been told was needing to be put down. It was incredibly sad, and I wish I stayed in the car. I was intruding on something I should not have, a private moment, even though it was FP that dragged me in. So, good and bad start to the day.

FP and I went off to get new uniforms printed (yay! New shiny uniforms!), and then went to Ashdown Forest to get lost for a while. And boy did we. We followed streams, jumped trees, found electric cattle fences. It was awesome. Whenever we do these things, it reminds us how much it will help our training. The stamina needed to walk/run/crawl as much as we do it immense. The balance required not to deck every two seconds, just as immense. It is all helpful. Also very fun!

We missed the karate class tonight. We were stuck in traffic for two hours. It was rubbish tings. I was spending my time winding FP up, and I thought after an hour and a half he was going to punch my face in. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SPEND A WHOLE DAY WITH SOMEONE... AND IT GETS TO THAT POINT. But he didn't punch my face in, so it's all good.

We got to training, and I faired alreet. Stretching and padwork, mainly. Some drill work, too. We did a bit of sparring, and I am learning to pick shots better through countering, not attacking. Getting there slowly! Grading is in about two weeks, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Not sure if I will go to this one. We shall have to see!

Head hurts and I feel sick. Maxed it at gym today. Didn't feel like I did, but when I started feeling sick, I decided to call it quits. At training we did some sparring. I haven't fought in a while, have been avoiding it. Paying the price for it now. I got punched in my head a lot. Made me angry, which is not good. Gotta stay on top of this emotions thing, it's not faring too well for me right now. I feel like a bad fighter. A very bad fighter. Ended up not running with FP after training. Not sure why, he just went home. Disappointed and critical of myself for that, it was probably my fault, even though he was hurting too. Logically, my head really hurts and I feel sick enough to vomit, but just generally feel shit and bleh.

This is probably comeuppance for being an asshole to people. I'm sorry, people. I am.

AW YIS IN A GOOD MOOD LET'S DO THIS!

I've been taking vitamins, zinc, primrose oil and iron tablets this last week because a friend sat me down and called me stupid. Well, actually she argued I was tired as fuck all the time because I was on a calorie and vitamin, etc, deficit and I should really change that, and here are all the tablets from my house take them home and have them all. I've been taking them every morning for a week, and they have made a difference. Not necessarily a good one.

Since I upped the amount of exercise I do, and downed the amount of intake I have, I've been very tired, but generally placid. It's kind of just worked for me for the last six or so months. Taking these supplements have made me become pretty bipolar again. I had the first massive ragefit I've had in six months, I've also had the first massive happiness in six months, and the biggest depression. I am spiking between moods like nobody's business! The highs are wonderful, euphoric, addictive, and the lows almost unbearable. I forgot what it was like to be so... emotive.

My self control has also suffered. I've been very good with diet, and eating in general. And now it is a pain to stop myself. This, however, I can change regardless of mood. I am making my meals in advance and will definitely exercise self control to the max. I will go for a week and see from there.

Training wise, today I pushed myself. We did some running, and it was hard to keep up. Not because of my fitness, but I am short, and everyone else was a taller man. So. Back at the dojang, I actually volunteered us to do flying kicks on the bag! Reading my blog from the start provided some motivation for that one. Pushing myself with stretching. I wanted to be able to do the splits by Monday, but I won't. I am one hell of a lot closer, however. HOOHAH. I will get there!

Helping FP train tomorrow and Wed. He wants to know all his patterns in three weeks when we grade. Good luck to him. It will be good for me to go through all the lower patterns anyway, so I don't cock up again in front of the masters. He has issues with fighting me not in the dojang because I am a woman. I take offence to this, but it's nothing new. I'll manage. I'm not even sure I could win anyway. BUT. I do need to work on my fighting. I'm feeling the fighting spirit come back a bit! Vitamins! Once I've conquered spinning and jumping, it's just breaking left. That one... That one will not be so easy, but challenges are fun. I also don't think FP will let me not break, so. Next week will be good, because I will make it good, vitamins and outbursts be damned!

BRING IT ON.

On Monering day, the class got split into belt grades. All blue belts were together as the highest ranking students there, and we had to spin. Fucking spin. Kind of getting better, but I was concerned other people were watching. Bah humbug. Patterns then went on forever. FP next to me had to drop out because of his shoulder, and he got to go do some padwork with a new girl. I was instantly jealous of the padwork, which shows how much we've been doing patterns lately.

After training FP and I met up to do some running. His shoulder came out within 10 minutes, so we stopped running and went to explore instead. We found a bridge we hadn't found before, and the rules are obviously 'bridge = go over it right this second'. We split off from the main path and went into the forest. It was dark, muddy, and fucking hard work. We then got lost. Very lost. So lost that when we back tracked, we still didn't know where we were. After continuing for what seemed like an hour (we didn't take our phone. Gj, guys), we took a new route... and were still lost. Eventually we came across a motorway, in a town very far from where we'd started. We ran back on the motorway, and then had to navigate through our original town (which is hard when you don't go to the outskirts much, not even at night!) all the way back to the car. The excursion cost us 5 or so hours.

Being absolutely knackered was good. The training we got from balancing in the forest, working muscles through the mud and hills, the reflexes from trying not to deck or get hit in the face with plants, it was all intense and fun at the same time. Even if I did almost fall asleep on some logs at one point.

The problem was the next day FP was back in hospital, and it's really my fault. Beforehand, the way I figured it was that because he didn't care about his shoulder, then why should I. I can't stop what he does. However, in Tuesday's lesson, Master K said he was worried about FP. He was trying to run before he could walk, and told the class at another point that seniors are there to help the juniors. I feel this was directed at me for encouraging his behaviour. I mean, sure I can't stop him, but I as his senior, I should be more mindful of what he can/can't do. I then texted him to apologise and it all went downhill. I'm one of the only people who don't treat him like a cripple, and he was angry and upset that I now was treating him as such.

This happens a lot. I break people, I think. I don't mean to, I am a challenging person. My personality is to contest what others do (or completely simper, but that's another thing completely), and offer new opinions and perceptions about things. Sometimes it's good for people, and most times it is not. I should really just become a hermit and not influence anyone ever. Ever.

I'm off to see how FP is doing. I'll kick his injured ass so I can feel better, and probably just abstain from doing things with him outside of training from now on. I know I can't stop encouraging him, so might as well just piss off. We'll see.

This last week has been okayish. Relatively chill stuff, if I remember correctly. Monday I got a bit frustrated doing some three-step, simply because I was getting things wrong. It probably didn't help that today is the first time I've slept well in over a week. It wasn't too bad, however. I worked with green belt FP, and he bruised the fuck out of my weak lil' extremities (even though he wasn't meant to train, he'd just been in hospital! Dickhead!).

Tuesday was, again, okayish. Lil' bit of sparring, I think. Did some black belt stuff to prepare the two black belts who were grading today. I got the hold the pads for the jumping bits, rather than have a go. Both disappointed but glad, haha. I know I would've made a mess of it, so it's okay. I got to be useful in another way, at least!

I have actually forgotten Wednesday.

Thursday was a bad day for me. Some personal stuff happened, and one of the people involved were at the club. I had to work late, so got there late for the senior lesson, and the person was there and it was awkward and stuff and I think the masters were suspicious, haha. It's all resolved now, but sometimes I just don't want to be at the club and I'm not the best at hiding it when I perform.

Couldn't make the Friday or Sat sessions, and the squad today was cancelled. Instead there was the black belt grading, where my friends N and R graded to first and second dan respectively. It was amazing to watch. I am now confident I won't be a black belt. They did things that I won't do, and actually, since watching them do that, I'm okay with it. I'm okay not being a black belt. I'm just going to be my level, which is just under.

This last week I've been hanging out with FP on a training level. He wants to improve his cardio and patterns, and asked me for help. This gives me another excuse to exercise, so I am helping him. We go for some runs in a local woods/park, and then we explore the woodlands as a cool down. All at night, of course. My friend C will join us when FP has upped his stamina and cardio. Eventually, it will be nice to have a little group of us from training doing this little extra stuff together.

At the gym! I can officially leg press over my current body weight! I weight about 62-63kg, and can leg press 75 (I think it is. Definitely in the 70s). Apparently, it is optimum to be able to lift, etc, 115% of your body weight in your major muscle groups. I need to get on that!

My stretching needs a lot of improving. Sure I can kick head height, but my calves and my back are to tight all the time. Gotta work on it. Which I will go do now, actually! So, next week is a new and hopefully better week.

I am so very. Very. Very fucking tired. Haven't slept properly in about a week. No reason for it, not that I can find anyway. It's taking its toll on me now. I'd attribute it to stress, but I'm always (and as such never?) stressed, so it's not that, I don't think. On top of that, I do a lot of exercise now. I say now. I mean even more exercise now. I do extra running and longer gym sessions. I WILL become great. Maybe.

Classes have been up and down, in general. Some days I can do anything, others, I want to go home within 10 mins. We were taught for one class by that world champ I mentioned a while back, the one I don't particularly like. I started off very interested. Despite not liking the guy, I know he is highly skilled and had the potential to pass on lots of lessons and teachings. He did not. He appears to like the sound of his own voice, is quite arrogant, and not good at teaching. In my opinion, anyway. Still highly skilled, just not at teaching or being humble. Ah well! He's not around much!

Today I was so very tired, I wasn't paying 100% attention. I had to teach Master C Kodang, which was a bit cool. Ramboneses admitted he was jelly. It is a big honour. He got it pretty quickly! I was quite proud of him, haha.

I think my reactions have gotten quicker. I won't know for sure until I fight someone of a higher standard (so far I've fought mainly lower grades for a while), but I'd like to think so. I've been spurring some belts on, too, hoping they'll better themselves. I often neglect my own skills in favour of improving someone else. I keep meaning to stop that, but I end up doing it. Others come above me, apparently.

In the senior class we were pushed. Which is, of course, good. We all need a good pushing. And now. I need to bathe and retire to bed, to see if sleep will allude me again. I don't doubt it will, but I can pretend.

Goodnight, blog.

Today's been hectic. Went for a trail run with a friend at 07:30, in a woods in the midst of no where. I taught him some patterns (in a field? What?), and then argued with him as he said he would refuse to give me a lift (I was lost a bit in the woods) if I didn't practice spinning kicks for him. I won, I didn't spin. After that, we hit his gym. I love seeing people's gyms, they're all different. It had a basement with a mirror wall, allowing me to check my forms and do general things by myself (I'm a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to gym, I don't always tend to do what my partner for the day does). The rest of the gym was cool, too, got shown a few new exercises (and hated them).

Slightly bummed out by the fact that my coccyx STILL haven't healed enough after 2 months to do any form of comfortable rowing. I can't sit on them properly, either. Frustrating.

I went to help out the karate class today as well. I was the only Jun Tong (Korean for traditional, our school name) student there. I was pretty enthusiastic and so helped liven the other students up today. They ended up pretty excited!

Helping the kids in the junior class, however, made me very angry. I had to shout a lot and use a stern voice, which was making me angry. Master L didn't take them today because he was annoyed with them, too, and needed to step away, leaving them to me. I made them behave, but BOY was it effort. Also I hate disrespect from arrogant kids. But we managed it, we got through the class!

The biggest thing today was that we did spinning and jumping today in senior class. And I had a real go at both! I mean, I have a lot of improvement to make, but I kept trying. My height is fine, I just have issues with believing enough to make more contact. I'm happy that I actually just managed to really try things like jumping back kick, spiral kick, double flying sidekick, etc. Usually I get pissed at one flying side kick and give up. Spinning was the same, I tried a fair bit, before starting to feel sick and just holding the pad, haha. My friend C also improved. I think maybe me trying harder at the jumping and spinning made her try harder too. If I can make a real attempt when she knows I fucking hate it, she can too! Good for her, she is much improved.

My friend said today. Well, /I/ took it as such, but he's being an asshole and denying it. My friend said by being underconfident in jumping, spinning and breaking, I wasn't worth my blue belt. I fucking agree. He's backtracked now, thinks the opposite or some such, but I had liked that I felt it was truthful. It seems to have kicked my ass back on track. Weird. Anyway, I am so tired I am about to drop. Screw other people being too much, I need some sleep and to gym tomorrow. Night.

Today was squad training. It was actually pretty fun! Perhaps it was because there were only a few of us, and no pressure (no N, no Friendly P, no C, no one to make a fool of myself in front of).

Master C took us for warm up and stretching. It was good, I quite like when he does it. We did some kicks in pairs up and down the hall. My partner was tiny and young, so Master K would take the pad when it was my time to kick. That was obviously good. We got pads on and did some practice sparring drills.

Then we got into the real sparring. Master K wanted to see our stamina, so had us fight lots of rounds with different opponents. He said I am getting a lot better at sparring. I feel like I am too. Still work to do, but I feel lighter (helps that I've lost weight) and quicker to move. I need to improve footwork, and next grading will have me fighting against two opponents at the same time, but I'm getting there. A massive bruise is forming on my shin as I write this, but it's all battle wounds to remind me of what to improve on!

I've managed to get myself a new fitness partner, Friendly P. I don't know whether I've written it here before or not, but he got in an accident some years back and messed his shoulder up. It made him stop training. Now he's back, and trying to get his fitness up in order to be able to train properly. He said if I taught him all the patterns he needs to know (he knows none of them, and is two grades below me), he would teach me to jump kick. On top of this, he's going to take me to new areas for us to run. I wanted to up my cardio, and getting a gym buddy isn't really an option, since I like to only gym alone. Having us just run, probably before work, etc, will be the best way to fit more cardio and workouts into my day! Madness! It's all brotherhood at the club, just like when I help out C and the family that goes there most days. We all help each other.

Oh, I also took a board to practice breaking. I need to tackle this before the Grandmaster comes over in July. I don't want to be weak anymore.

So I decided on Wednesday to man up and try talking to N about my issues with him. I've been feeling like I'm not my grade, and that he's been lying to me when he says he thinks I am. What actually happened was that I turned up to karate and did okay. At the end, I had to fight H, a black belt girl I fought against in the tournament and won against, purely based on fitness. I got hits in on her, but at one point she knocked me to the floor. So that bummed me out a bit.

I took a ride with N to the next class, which he had to take. I helped babysit some of the kids, and about half way through the junior class we had to do jumping side kicks on the large standing pad. I, obviously, failed miserably at that. The bit that got to me was that the little kids would laugh and say to me "W! That's not how you do it! You're not doing it!". Kids tend to tell the truth, because they don't understand not to. I'm a blue belt. I should be leading the way for all of them. I could not. That and still not having confidence in breaking. I was so frustrated that I left before the senior class started.

Today was pressure because a new black belt, ex-TAGB turned up. Obviously Master K wanted to show case us to him. I think he might have been 3rd dan or something. Above 1st, below 5th, either way. I managed to start talking to N. I apologised for being 'off' with him. Explained how I didn't like feeling weak in front of him, and that I feel he's constantly lying. I went to elaborate, but we were interrupted. I'm sure we'll finish it another time.

The class started with jumping kicks again. Since it was the pressure of being showcased, I accidentally snapped at a new friend, Friendly P. I can /kind of/ jumping flying sidekick with my left, but no hope on my right. I got taken off flying kicks pretty quickly when Master L realised. We did some padwork, and then some hon shin sol, from hapkido self defence. Luckily I am relatively good at that, so when I partnered with Master L, he was on the floor every time. He told me I trained with N too much, because my moves were effective and brutal, aha. Compliment? Not sure. Since it was odd numbers, I had no partner, so I would just go around helping other pairs. Master K called me his 'little warrior' because I was good enough not to need too much practice, ehe. Again, compliment? Who knows.

At the end of the class, I got to talk to Friendly P again. We kinda wound each other up a bit, in a friendly way. He said if I taught him all the patterns he needed to know, he'd teach me how to jump. As much as I told him he had the bum end of the deal, he seemed pleased. If he actually expects me to jump, he'll be a bit disappointed, surely. Apparently sometimes I 'forget myself', and in that moment I do really well. I asked if that meant I needed drugs. The answer was no.

Anyway, ups and downs today. Tomorrow I will be back to doing my workout before work, gym at lunch and running to/from training after work. Should help a bit. Up with cardio, I guess!

Mum. Mum, I'm really greatful and everything, but for the love of all things holy, please stop cooking for me.

My mum cooks way more than I can eat, and I'll feel so rude if I don't basically eat her massive portions. I wish she'd go back to leaving me alone at meal times. I was fine making my own things. I could control everything, and I was losing weight and making progress. Now I've put a pound or two back on, which is beyond frustrating considering how much effort went into getting it off. I'll have to talk to her about it.

Also one of the younger girls (11yo) in class cried loads yesterday. I understand a bit of crying, but gawd this girl was having a hissy fit. She used to be known for them, then got better, and now is getting worse again. What is this cycle of madness.

Nothing really to put here. Just sick of food right now.

I've not had the best week, training wise. A lot of stress got to me, or at least that's the excuse I'm sticking to. I asked N whether he honestly thought I was blue belt level, which lead to a conversation I regret. On Sunday, when we partnered up, I then couldn't take the hits he gave on the bag, which ended up with me walking out of his lesson. I also apologised profusely, because that is such bad ettiquiette I should have been killed.

The point I guess I'm trying to make is that I can't stand to be weak in front of strong people. I told him more than I usually tell people in our conversation, and subsequently freaked out and now can't look him in the eye. It doesn't help that he's so fucking nice and good and wonderful. What a dick, haha. I jest. At some point I'll conquer this, but right now anything I say to him will leave me feeling even weaker and more vulnerable, so I will just move on.

Training has been hard. However, Master K taught me the red stripe pattern, then the red belt pattern, and then the black tag pattern. I have now also mastered Ko Dang (2nd dan black belt pattern). Since I graded to well in my last grading (hah), I am allowed to grade again in the next grading. Usually I'd have to wait 4 months, but this will be 2. That was awesome news, up until Master K also allowed Ramboneses to because of our 'rivalry'. Nothing is mine. Even when I work my ass off, nothing is mine.

I need to work my ass off. Which, consequently, I am doing in gym. I've taken up doing some extra workout in the morning by getting up earlier before work. I gym in my lunch break, speed walk to and from home, and jog/run to training in the evening. On Wednesdays, I do the extra karate class, and on days off my gym session is much longer. Hopefully this will get me to where I need to be.

Right, it's now time to leave for work (hurray...), so we'll see what tonight brings.

Yesterday Nath had me lead the stretches for the junior class. And I went back to gym for the first time since before grading.

It's the little things.

Yesterday was aite, actually. Junior class was patterns and partner stretching. Master L turned up (he's been at uni for a year, and was actually one of my original instructors, so it was a bit cool to show him whether I'd improved or not while he was away!), as well as the world champ-I-don't-know-if-I-like-him guy, and friendly P. Friendly P used to be a green belt about 5 years ago, but got in a motorbike accident and messed his shoulder up. He's trying to come back, but his shoulder gives him issues a fair bit.

The patterns was cool, because I was asked to teach a yellow belt her pattern for a bit, and then I got dropped in with Master L and World Champ (the only two black belts) to do Ko Dang. That's an honour, right? RIGHT? So yeah, that was good.

Stretching was as per usual, partner stretches are useful, and I can almost do the splits, shoop woop.

In the senior class we worked on sparring technique on bags. Person holding the bag had to rush at you constantly, and the idea was to keep them from advancing through force, speed, side stepping and back kicks. I didn't fair as badly as I thought. I'm not usually the best under pressure. For normal bagwork the person with the pad would rush in, and the aim was to stop them dead with a back kick, or a lead leg side kick. Again, I didn't do too badly.

Friendly P said he was impressed with how much I'd progressed since I'd last done a lesson with him. I think he last coached us when I was also a green belt. So, two belts ago? About four months? He said he couldn't understand how I was able to generate such power when I am tiny. I explained it was about still having the mentality of thinking I'm massively fat, and he said to keep that mentality, ahaha. Oh Friendly P, you're so friendly!

The American seminar draws closer, in July, and I am so excited to meet them and train with them. It's weird to think a whole team of high ranking dans will be here with us. So cool!

Just a quick blog so I can get it out of my head.

Yesterday's lesson was... interesting. In the junior class we did hon shin sul, which is self defense. I was going to help the tiny juniors out, but Master K sent me off to work with the seniors. I was in a group of three with a tall yellow belt, E, and the newly promoted black tag. It was quite fun. Did pressure point work, and E actually dropped me a few times, which was cool. New black tag, T, finds me quite awkward to work on, hehe. He can never quite get the technique right. It usually ends up with him at some point becoming frustrated and brute forcing it, where my right wrist tells me it's the left's turn now. It was cool though, to have them not too worried about hurting me in the way that M and N do (Now I have that phenomenom do do doo tune in my head).

The senior lesson is what kinda put me out a bit. We ran through patterns for the most part. Ramboneses has caught up on Tae Gae since yesterday and didn't need much help on it. And we all went through Ko Dang as a class until we could all do it. It put me out, not because we were doing it, that was cool, but because I've once again lost my edge over anyone else. I can never just be let to have my thing. Ramboneses always have to try and fucking one-up me because he needs to be the best in everything we both do. Martial arts doesn't get to be mine anymore, because friends and family are all doing it anyway, and now I can't even say I was the only one taught pattern X. On top of that, N says he's gonna start coming to junior classes as well as of next week. Which means invariably that Ramboneses will also.

I just want them all to fuck off. In the junior class I feel like I'm actually helping people, and I get to have a bit of attention, sure. But with everyone else doing it, they'll get the glory as they did when they were there from the start of the lessonsb before. Completely selfish, I know, but sometimes I like to have /something/ just to myself without everyone else doing it, and doing it to a better standard. I had thought martial arts was it, but clearly not. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get over it and just be mediocre again, haha. Better than being bad, I guess!

First session as a blue belt! It was bangin', mate. I got to help in a grading. It was only for two white belt kids, but was still awesome! I had to give the commands and instructions, and demonstrate what they needed to do. N did that for my grading, and looked pleased he got to do it, so it must be pretty big, even if mine was only on a very small scale!

As usual, I was used to help out in the junior class. Master L likes using me to keep the littlest tykes in line with him. Amusing considering my disdain for children, but there you go. I think I'm addicted to trying to make my masters proud, haha. Whatever works!

For the senior class, only my younger brother and I were there. So, my bro, me, Master K and Master L. Tiny class! It was based on patterns. It was awesome since I already knew the pattern for my new grade (Joon Gun), and was properly taught Tae Gae for fun. We then moved onto Ko Dang (I think that's how you spell it? Ack, Korean!), which is actually a 2nd dan pattern. It has a jumping knife hand guarding block, two slow motion back kicks and vertical hooking kicks in it, as well as downward elbow strikes and a downward punch. This obviously appeals to me, haha. I am all about the elbows and punches.

Training is exciting for me atm, I feel like it's a whole new chapter now I've received my belt. The leaps I've made since I first started are phenomenal. Since I'm currently the only higher grade woman there, the younger, lower grade females look up to me. I don't particularly care, but I understand it's important to show them what they can achieve so as not to discourage them. Women are just as capable, hehe. We already have a lot of male role models in the club (all of whom I look up to), so it would be interesting to be the prominent female one.

But I shouldn't get big headed. There is much to improve on, and I know I have limits. I switch from ups to downs and back quick enough to get whiplash, so need to concentrate on continuing to be positive. Hunt those goals down, motherflipper!

So! Graded to blue belt this afternoon and thought it perinent to jot down a blog while I'm still buzzing!

I managed to get an A- in this one. I think my master does it as B, B-, B+, A, A-, A+, etc. He made some inference to it during today's session. I was pretty calm this time, which is unusual for me by a long shot. I think I subconsciously knew how much I put into this, and how I already knew whatever would be thrown up, since we do it all during class anyway.

The only reason I didn't get an A+ was that during my pattern, Yul Gok, I had to restart because I fucked up a bit. However, was asked to do Joon Gun, which is the pattern above me, and I performed it to high standard. Typical me to crap my own one up, and do well on the one above! I'll get it perfect next time.

My theory was all well learnt and bang on, no problems there at all. My power was good, my line work was actually better than usual in class. My sparring even stepped up a bit. The cardio part, which we haven't done during a grading before, was much better than all those else who were grading. So glad I put extra time in the gym for that, because the masters were very impressed. I also knew some tricks to pace myself and not use too much power, which leads to fatigue quicker.

Master K was incredibly proud of me today, and I was too. He said I really and truly earnt my belt. Since I don't view my parents in a parental light much anymore, this really means the world to me, to make my idol proud. I'm now officially a senior, and the fun begins.

My brothers did well, too. My younger brother, Bob, graded to green belt. He didn't do spectacularly, but he gave a solid performance that he should be pleased with. He knows what to do better on, and I'm sure he will do. My other brother, Ramboneses, was incredibly courageous. He's been ill with a horrible virus, taking him out for a week. This doesn't sound a lot, but my brother never takes time off training or work. He still came to grading, and despite almost passing out many times, he did very well. I know he would never NOT grade if I were grading, or he wasn't dead, so it's good to see his attitude paid off. Even if it was a bit too far and he should know when to stop. One master saw him in golden light for pushing through, the other master explained that he wouldn't have been allowed to grade in the olden days because you don't get leneancy over other people just for being sick. Grade when you're 100%, don't half ass because you're functioning at 70%. I'm still proud of him.

P, the other blue tag, didn't grade. Ramboneses and I are officially a belt above again! Hah! And C graded, finally, too! She is now a yellow tag. I'm pissed off that at the end after grading she looked like sour grapes, but I'm hoping it was just residual stress from actually grading. We'll see. I'm still proud of her, too.

Now it's time to start working towards red tag, and show that I WILL be a black belt soon.

I don't feel I am doing very well in sparring, but won't let it get me down. I can beat lower grades, so just stop being a bitch when it comes to higher grades. Of course you're not meant to beat them. Duh. My patterns are very good, so no worries there. Just need to work on my Korean today, and I should be all set for the grading tomorrow. If I don't make blue belt, it will be time to kill myself (jokes, no choice but to make blue).

That's all she wrote.

Here is a blog post.

So I did training and gym all week. Good stuff. Been looking at working with higher grades recently since I don't push myself enough. Also I always get told to go with higher grades. N said it the other day, haha. Bastard.

On Wednesday we did a complete hapkido lesson, which we haven't done in a while. I partnered with N and Mi, which was cool. I learned a lot more than I usually do with lower and less practiced grades. Also I like working with N because like he cares if I want to slack off, he'll make sure I put effort in! I did notice neither N nor Mi liked throwing me because I'm a girl. This is frustrating, but they need to learn more than me, so okay. I can live with that.

Today during squad, I realised Master K treats me unfairly. Favours me, that is. It's irritating because it's not helpful to me at all. Because I'm female, he seems to think I can't hold the bag when he kicks, and he never uses enough force when demonstrating on me, and doesn't floor me much. I still don't measure up to the guys. Also when I kicked the pad today with a front kick, he sort of folded in two a bit. This man is moved by no one, so it pissed me off. It's a bit patronising. I can see he's not doing it on purpose, but it's not helping me at all. I'm bad at being a woman, and I can't be a man. Bah!

Also I keep getting told I have 'strong legs'. Makes me feel weird. Like they're fat and stuff. Didn't help that I wore leggings and shorts today since it was gonna be a hot squad session and I didn't want to overheat. Showed off my fat, oddly proportioned legs (my calves are bigger than half the guys'. Gah). More cutting and gyming needed!

I think my sparring has improved a bit now I'm encorporating spinning and back kicks into it. There's a blue belt I fought who got hit a fair few times by me, which was cool. I also figured out how to fight this red belt, S, by watching his movements. He seems to like fighting me, but I always feel a step behind, haha.

I'm grading next Sunday. Hopefully to blue tag. I don't feel ready, but I never do, so. Life goes on!

At the moment, training is going well. I am doing relatively well. N and I are having little competitions (he's a black belt so he usually wins). I did push ups on my knuckles on the school gym floor for karate, and Master L pointed out that N hadn't used his knuckles. Score one for me.

During patterns, Master K allowed me to learn tae gae, which is actually two belts above me, a blue belt red stripe pattern. That must mean I'm not doing badly, right? Haha. I'm putting a lot more effort in. Although I think I say that every blog entry, and eventually you can only put in 100%. Either way, I'm coming away from the sessions feeling beat.

Master K took some photos of us stretching for his website, and looking at them made me realise my flexibility has increased. Score. Onwards and upwards.

Not only all that, but I've lost weight thanks to my increase in exercise and lower input. I gym basically everyday, doing cardio and weights. It's important to get to a weight where I can fight fast. My sparring may not be great at the moment, but once I'm faster, it'll be easier.

An old black belt 2nd dan friend of Master K came along yesterday. He was in the world championships twice, once gold, once silver. I was very excited to train and talk to him, but he fell flat in my opinion. I don't mean he didn't have skill, but I found him to be more arrogant than necessary. He didn't appear to want to talk to colour belts much, and that irked me. Maybe it was just because I was tired and it was his first lesson back. Hopefully he'll get off his high horse. I know he won the world title, but I want to talk about how he did it, and aspire to be like him. There's nothing wrong with sharing that and basking in the glory with lower grades, imo.

Until then, I'll just keep pushing myself. My body is incredibly tired and achey all the time, but no pain no gain. It'll all help in the long run, or so I tell myself.

Moving on from that last blog. I won't delet it because it will remind me that I can get through stupid hissy fits, so stop having stupid hissy fits. Ugh.

Anyway.

On Thurs we were taught by Master J, a 2004 world champ who trains with us. His teaching methods aren't widely received, people aren't a fan of how he trains I guess. I enjoy his lessons. He had us working on movement, how to step around people and take their openings, since no one expects you to go for an opening when you're moving OUT of the way. Along with this we did some sparring all at the same time in a line. We also did some sparring in front of the class, Master J choosing who faced who.

When doing line sparring, I didn't do too badly. One of the guys I faced was a blue belt, P. He tends to go heavy and loves his spinning kicks. Boy does he love his spinning kicks. I didn't do overly badly, but often I am cowed by the lack of space, bumping into other sparring partners.

In chosen partners I did better, but that's because my opponents were C, my white belt (she should be yellow by now ffs, grade you silly woman!) friend, and a tiny green belt who has beautiful kicks but absolutely no power. They were easy fights, even for me.

At the end of the class, I asked for some sparring advice from Master J. He told me I needed to work on evading every hit in a match. Which is what I began to practice in today's squad. I only fought one person, my brother of equal grade, and was told I appeared to be a "calculating fighter". I lost the fight on points, 5-2, but had good range and picked my shots.

I would be as stupid as I feel if I gave up the method right now since it didn't work for one match. It helped me fair against him better, and I simply need to work at it. It's all about practice and all that!

I've been taking progress photos of my body since the start of this year. I've made progress, but not 3 months worth of progress. I need to cut harder and work harder and stop being so damn weak all the time. If you want to achieve stuff, actually fucking do it, you whiney little fucker. I am hard on myself every so often, in case you couldn't tell. But the point is to work harder, get stronger, until you're at the point you strove to hard to get to. THEN you can relax a bit and take some time out.

A friend posted a blog with the phrase "What do I see when I look in the mirror?". It's an interesting question.

When I look in the mirror, I see failure. I see a disappointment. Beyond all, I see a little girl who was too weak to keep her family together. Too weak to leave when she should have. I see trust issues and depression. That is what I see. And I've never seen it clearer than tonight.

This is absolutely not tkd related, but I don't care.

That is all for tonight.

I've always managed to beat my older brother in fights when we've sparred and I'm taking it seriously. I don't like fighting him. I don't like how he's tense all the time and hit harder than necessary to make up for inflexibility and lack of polished technique. It's not a conscious style choice, but is frustrating nonetheless. On Wednesday when we sparred, I knocked his attack of my guard. He proceeded to spin the wrong way, and deliver a back kick with far too much force to my coccyx. Not only was it an illegal target and too powerful, he also came up low and hit my tailbone so it went up my spine (not literally, ouch!). It's still bruised now. Certain movements make the bruising known to me.
Because of this style, and my dislike of fighting him, I don't fight him well. When I fought him yesterday I won overall in points, 3-2. His aggressiveness angered me, and the fact that he has improved angers me. I train more than he does, I go to the gym more, and I feel like I'm falling behind. We both knew when we first started, that one of us would overtake the other. Maybe I will be the one who gets left behind. Which makes me feel rubbish overall. A red belt had been reffing our match, and when a master came over and seemed confused as to how he was scoring, it made me think that my shots probably didn't even count in reality/my brother's shots weren't being counted. I get frustrated easily.

I forget if I've mentioned this before, but I've started doing a karate lesson before my taekwondo on Wednesdays. The three of us who have come over from tkd are somewhat feared, despite the fact that two of us are the lowest ranks there (bar a 5 year old. We'll forgive him). They listen to us as though we are black belts, which is interesting. I feel I don't deserve that much respect as a lower belt.

Things are permanently rocking my personal life. I'd rather just go to a mountain somewhere and train. Be away from people. I need a holiday away from it all.

In good news, my friend who's started ITF taekwondo in London seems to be pretty serious about it. It's early days, only two weeks or so in, but if he continues, it will be nice to see someone with the same dedication. My black belt friend, N, has taken more of a shine to me. I think it's because we're going to the karate lesson together. He is useful in that I can use him for training and advice. He will be grading to Bo dan soon (1st degree), and I need to stay on his heels.

Perhaps a break from training and gym would be useful, but I don't think I could bring myself to do that. I am too stressed out with everything else to be able to let go enough. Oh well. On we push.

My last training session was on Wed, and my next won't be until Sunday. What will I do?! Go the gym. Clearly. Haha.

I don't really remember Tues, but that is okay. I don't remember a lot.

On Wed, decided to go to two classes in the evening. First time doing this. One hour karate (wadokai), and then my usual Wed session. Nathan, my younger brother and I turned up early and messed about with a basketball we found. Pretty sweet to just mess about with sporty stuff.

The wadokai guys turned up, a bunch of not very enthusiastic kids of all ages. They were all in their traditional white, and didn't understand why we'd turned up in red taekwondo kit. Or even why we'd turned up at all. The sensei (teacher) who ran the session was also a master at our own club. He appreciated us being there for support since the wadokai and taekwondo groups all fall under the same club now. We did a quick warm up, and since we (the reds) were so enthusiastic about it, the wadokai lot quickly stepped up. We went into some line work, again with such vigour that the others caught on, even the five year old yellow belt was pushing himself!

We did a bit of padwork, showing the wadokai lot how to get it done, some self defence and even some patterns. We joked around and had fun, giving the class a great atmosphere. At the end, I was given a special mention by the sensei for helping out. He says I'm well on my way to becoming a really good instructor. I don't want to be one, but I do want the paper saying that I CAN if I want/need to, haha.

After the lesson, my younger brother, Bob, and I jumped into some light contact, no pads sparring. The wadokai guys watched us with an intensity that surprised us. Sensei explained we always do that at the other club. They looked like they wanted to join in one day. Bless them.

The second lesson was straight afterwards. I don't remember too much. I remember pushing my white belt friend more and more. I am tired of her lacking attitude holding me back. I push her more and more. She was so much better than I've ever seen her at the end of the lesson. She actually was trying to pressure me. In all fairness, I shouted at her a lot. But still! Improvement!

We did some sparring, and at one point I was with Master Lloyd. He has yet 'to land a proper hit' on me, according to him, and so he always wants to fight me one-on-one. I got some hits in that he wasn't expecting and he always gets annoyed that he can't 'get through my guard' or something. I do a lot based on instinct so I don't really know, haha.




I've been very unhappy with my body and myself recently. It would appear the further I get in my martial arts, the unhappier with my accomplishments I become. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the mirror walls at the gym and was just... almost disgusted. Which is weird because I've lost so much weight, and am a size 10 (UK), so it's not like I'm actually fat. And whilst my brain is aware of this fact, I honestly think I am fat. It's the beginnings of a mental disorder, but since I've got it under control I should be fine. It's just a mental thing, I'm sure. I'm going through a lot (I seem to say this every post), so maybe it's just stress. We'll have to see in a few weeks time. Apparently it takes 4 weeks to notice a change in yourself. So, let's shoot for that. Until then!

Today, at 9pm, I am sat here staring at the board that I cannot break in training. I resent it, but with a quiet since of awe alongside it.

My master allowed me to take a board home so I could practice by myself. As I've said in prior blog posts, breaking is mostly psychological. The boards are not that thick, and whilst they are imposing to hit at full force, you'll end up more hurt if you don't hit it with your all. As a lower grade I was able to break. Now, it would appear my mind is having me hold a grudge and not allowing me to break. I am very self conscious of this fact. Many superiors tell me 'you've got the power, I've held a pad/bag for/been hit by you and I know you have more than enough power', but that means nothing if the boards don't break. I can't control my power, and I can't commit. Story of my life.

Thinking back to my gym session I realise how hard I am on myself, how negative I can be. Yesterday my friend told me he did 2k on the rowing machine, highest resistance, in 7.45 mins. Obviously this means I had to at least try and outdo him. I failed miserably. I got a new PR the other day, 2k in 9.33mins, but even when I maxed out today I only managed 9.07mins. So even when going at my best I can't even touch on his time. I should be happy that I shaved almost half a minute off my PR, but instead I feel sick that I can't do anything as well as anyone else.

My now black belt friend tells me that negativity can be good, it's a driving force, but right now I feel miserable and I don't want to do the things I used to really enjoy. I don't want to fight because I know I'll just end up kicked in the head by my black belt friend, or losing against someone my level/lower, which will tear me apart. I haven't lost enough weight, or my body hasn't physically changed as much as I want it to. I'm tired and stressed from personal issues but I can't seem to take a step back and chill.

If I'm not the best, what's the point.

I guess most people at this point would take a break, reflect, heal, move on. I won't. Even if I don't progress, training allows me to let off some steam. More than that, if I don't go to training, I feel I'll let my master down. He appears to think far higher of me than I deserve and not attempting to actually try would be an insult to all the support both and the club have given me. I hope this isn't the end for me, it feels like I'm burning out and becoming bitter at my friends joining and bettering themselves.

On a good note, despite being 30mins late to class today, I helped coached the kids. There's a few girls there who see me as their role model. It's nice in that they look up to me, not nice in that I don't like kids, and it's a hell of a lot of pressure to keep improving. But hey, the more girls the better, right? (I want to be the only girl, actually, but w/e)

I'm going to have a tea and sleep this off. Maybe it's just hormones and shark week. I'll know very shortly, I'd think, haha.

In a few weeks I'll be taking my blue belt grading. Terrifying, to say the least. I'm not sure how ready I am. I know the blue belt pattern (I'm not meant to know it yet), and can perform it to a high standard, so clearly I must be not-fucking-terrible.

I started a cut in calories to drop more weight. I haven't really dropped much in the the two weeks since I started, but I think I've dropped fat, which is good. I don't really think it's working tooo great, but still. I go to the gym everyday, pretty much, and have ramped up the effort in training. I've realised how much I want to be black belt and have a kick ass body.

A friend has started taekwondo now, too. At first I was incredibly upset. He started at a different club, but the same ITF style. Since my club is the one really incredible passion I have, the thought of him starting at his and then getting better sucked. I still think he'll beat me in less time, which is depressing, but I realised it's not my club. Why be so selfish? It will be good to talk about it from a different club perspective!

The reason I think he'll beat is reinforced by the fact that at the gym, his personal best on the rowing machine is 7:45, and he's only been rowing a week. I did 9:30 (killed myself), and I've been rowing for aaaages now. If he can do that on the thing he hates (cardio), then I'm fucked when it comes to tkd. Wooo.

Anyway. My sparring has gotten worse recently, my padwork better. I was told to referee some point matches today, and it turns out I'm really good at it, or so my masters say. So, I can't fight, but I can tell other people that they can fight! Aha. Ack. That's a bit more depressing than I thought it'd be. But! In refereeing I realised how much I dislike one of the blue tags' attitudes. He was my second referee, so when the second ref and I disagreed on points, I was meant to look to him for a tie breaker. He kept shrugging and um'ing and urr'ing so much so that I had to drop loads of points (if all judges can't agree, the points are dropped). It frustrated me that he wasn't just saying "yes, I saw it" or "no, I didn't see it". In the end I didn't even bother looking to him.

That's his attitude in training in general. It frustrates the shit out of me. How can we be the same belt? Well clearly I suck as much as he does. And since he sucks. I suck. Aha.

Anyway, enough depressing talk! At least I can beat the white belts in the club! Better than nothing, right? RIGHT?

It's been. What. A week or two. Had a few ups and downs in that time, hehe.

At the moment I'm on a down. Yesterday I asked if we could have a go at breaking boards, since I suck at that. For my next grading, I have to do a reverse turning kick (spinning kick). I am terrified.

We lined up, the students (only four of us at this point), and went to do knife hand through two boards. The outcome was basically I couldn't do it, but everyone else could. I was told to do one board, because I so frustrated by this point, I couldn't do it. I freaked out and punched the side of the board in anger and was basically told to go aside. My master had to take me aside and tell me to stop getting frustrated, etc etc etc. When I get pissed off, I don't want to be touched, it's like a reaction going off. He thought I was being depressed and stroked my back, held my shoulders. I just wanted to punch him.

Today, thanks to my wounded pride, I was completely out of it at training. He asked me what pattern I was doing half way through my pattern, and I forgot the moment he asked. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, and being near people made me horribly nervous and skittish. It was like I was a white belt again. Which made me feel even worse, queue vicious cycle.

My master told my brother to tell me that if I needed help, I could go before class and he would teach me to meditate. I've texted him to ask if he will. I think I need it right now. I have a lot going on, and this is just aggravating in general.

He also told me today I would make a good black belt instructor. I told him I hated kids. It was lols. All the kids look up to me because I know how to work with them. Having worked with them all my life, you pick up a thing or two. I still don't like them, but that doesn't mean I'm not good at teaching them. My master said he wouldn't let me give up before I became black belt. Comforting and terrifying at the same time, really.

Anyway, I am so very tired, so it's bath and bed for me so I can hit the gym nice and early.

It's been a hectic week, training wise! Wednesday saw a bit of sparring, but rather than the more common 'everyone fight their partner at the same time as others are fighting their partners', it was the whole everyone-but-two-people-sit-down-and-watch kind of fight. I enjoy that more as there's more space to fight and with everyone watching, your faults can be pointed out and advise given that might get missed otherwise.

One green belt sighed heavily when he was told to come up and fight the heavy-handed black tag. Our master told him he'd already lost and to sit down. I felt bad for him, this reaction of being told to sit down had never happened before, but it's true. If you don't believe you can win before you even get on the mat, you won't actually have a chance of winning. It's about mind set. Even if you're unlikely to win, if you go up there with gusto you'll give it your all and might even win.

When it came to my turn I didn't do greatly. Not the worst, but seriously not great. The biggest plus for me was that I didn't get angry or discouraged once throughout the entire lesson. It was all a laugh and to be enjoyed. Even when I got hit in the face. I got advice and learnt. The next day I used this advice and did so, so much better. One of my masters was ridiculously impressed. I even did well in hapkido, something I thought I was much worse at than I actually am! Positivity!

Sunday was squad training and saw us doing a lot of cardio, which I'm fine with. My cardio is very good since I go to the gym all the time and work on it. We did a bit of sparrng, where I was told off for 'playing with my food' and asked at one point 'if I was going to fight today', hehe. The kid was a white belt, I didn't want to annihalate him. As my master was leaving the dojang, he told me 'you're a better fighter than you let on. You've got a lot of potential'. Made me feel so good! Anyway.

Oh man, I didn't even say the best bit, and probably what is currently motivating me! For those fighters among us that win medals at the club, we have a chance of being sponsored to fight in America! So this year, not only 4 Verve tournaments, British championships and Internationals, also the chance to fight in America! So damn cool!

Right, that's last week summed up, gonna gym today I think, and train later. Might write a post, or leave it a few days.

Positivity!

It is shark week, I was right. But aced Monday's not-so-kiddy session and didn't do badly yesterday. Bring on today.

So already I'm going back to my old ways at training. Everything and everyone freaks me out, and I don't 'believe in my myself' and then get incredibly frustrated. Think it might be to do with the fact that it'll be my shark week soon. As in today soon, I reckon.

I admitted to my black stripe friend that I have trust issues on Friday. I don't remember how it came up, but I admitted that his praise doesn't concern me because I don't think it's true. Praise may not be a purposeful lie but it certainly isn't wholly truth. That's one of my issues in brief, it's really a topic for another day. He agreed that I had issues, haha. I'm working on them! ...Just a bit slowly.

My pattern [Won Hyo] has sharpened up a bit. Less nervous when executing it in front of people, etc. Found I can't do pull ups at all. Need more upper arm strength HOOHAH.

What IS good, is that I've been practicing back kicks and spinning kicks up and down the aisles where I work, as drills. Usually when people aren't looking. It's really helped and now I feel so much more confident than before. Like I said, my aim of the year is to be the best at the shit that I'm currently the worst at.

I think that's all I want to say today.

Enjoy your everything!

Last two training sessions were polar opposites. To sum it up, Monday's one hour kiddy class was awesome. Yesterday's adult class was not.

Things I learnt:
-I am bad at being in large classes with black belts because they make me feel crap and I lose any form of self-confidence.
-I can't spin well, it makes me so damn dizzy.
-Started dropping my damn guard again. Constantly getting kicked/punched in the face. UGH.
-I get horribly jealous if a female white belt is told they have 'spirit'. Especially when I'm being punched everywhere.
-Maaaay have the tendency to get incredibly pissed off when fighting if this situation occurs: you back away from your opponent (either for tactical reasons, or because you're being pressured), and someone steps behind you from another pair by accident. Obviously this distracts you as you bump into them/they bump into you. When you turn to look at them/get out of their way, you GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE/KICKED. FUCK YOU, THAT'S UNFAIR PLAY, YOU ASSHOLE. Wait for us both to reset instead of jumping someone. What, can't you win otherwise!?
Getting angry just remembering, because it kept happening with this damn guy I was fighting! He makes me angry easily.
-Patterns are improving. At least this time I got through my pattern without going "uh... which pattern am I doing?" half way through. Eheee.

Basically, lots to improve on. I'm going through a LOT of changes in my personal life atm, so maybe I just got stressed out, maybe not. But I spent this afternoon at work practicing my spins and my back/side kicks so I can improve for class.

I'm going to become the best at using the things I am shittest at. I will jump and spin, goddamnit!

That's pretty much it. I'm tired so this isn't the best entry, but not even mad. Goodnight, internet.

Squad training yesterday morning was pretty cool. I'd been out drinking the night before, so even going was a bonus. But anyway!

The session started with circuit work, which I am not a great fan of. I find myself feeling like an idiot doing it, especially when paired with someone to 'cheer you on' through the stations. Not entirely sure why. Either way, we got through the circuits quite well. Next was some padwork. I wasn't entirely stretched (we'd done a very brief stretch before circuits and hadn't warmed up enough for sure), so I did pull my groin muscles a fair bit when doing head-height kicks. This is a massive issue. If you ever aren't warmed up enough before doing padwork/drills/whatever is on the agenda, be careful! In order to combat the cold muscles, I had my partner start out with the pads much lower than I usually would, and worked my way slowly higher. This way you stretch and improve technique at the same time. Nifty.

We did some more flying kicks (I think this trainer likes to make me suffer), and I didn't do half as well I did the day before. The class size was larger, and I felt more a fool. I did however manage to hit the bag a few times, so at least I have that down! Just need more power, and to overcome putting two feet on the bag. It will be done.

After we'd done that for a while, our trainer gave us a choice. Most of the class went on to do some staff form, and the trainer, two other green belts and I went on to do some conditioning! We did bare knuckle punches to the stomach & ribs, which was fine. I have strong muscles there anyway so it wasn't an issue (my partner appeared to have less strength there, though, and shyed away a bit). We moved on to turning kicks to the ribs, and finally some facial conditioning. I'd like to note that conditioning of the head isn't done much for obvious reasons. Doing it too often, for too long, too hard will eventually cause brain damage.

We donned gloves and basically practiced boxing each other for a while. I found it quite hard at first not to kick, it's pretty automated by this point. My partner and I went on for a while, before we switched up partners. I ended up against the trainer for my last match. The idea behind this sort of conditioning is so that if you are hit in the face during a match, you won't be pressured to the point of not being able to fight or retaliate efficiently. My trainer told me that he expected more from me because he already knew I got stuck in and took the blows and went forward rather than backing off. Darn, means he expects more, hehe.

Footwork is very important, even if you're only using your fists. I've still a long way to go with footwork, but I've improved a lot, and am now focusing more on the footwork. It'll all come as a package, I'm sure, but I want it up to scratch for the next competition. Let's have at it!