Tonight was a night of revelations. The night I learned I was sick.

Yesterday during a mainly patterns class, Master K announced that the blue belts grading on Sunday have a chance of being graded to red belt straight up. This was met with a lot of shock. Double gradings are rarely done these days, especially not past yellow, maybe green belt. I've been feeling stupidly hesitant about grading to red tag anyway, but this has made the pressure even greater. I've been trying to get out of grading. I am not ready to be a blue belt, let alone anything higher. I confided this in FP, and he was vaguely outraged. He believes me to be beyond ready, and is trying hard to get me to grade.

Up until tonight, I had been ignoring him.

I told N I wasn't ready to grade today, and he discussed it through with me. He understood where I was coming from as not being ready, since he himself skipped a grading between blue belt and blue belt red stripe. He too was shocked at the idea of any of us double grading at blue belt. He suggested I talk to Master K about it tomorrow, but I explained I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I talk to him, he will be disappointed. He can be emotional, and I worry he might be about this. He wants me to do well, not only for when Grandmaster RD comes across, but also because I am a female role model for the girls of the club, and am to be the first female he's had from white belt through to black. This is a ridiculous amount of pressure, and I feel I can't live up to it. N sympathised, and said it wasn't a nice situation to be put in. At least I'm not alone in my thinking.

FP, on the other hand, took a different stance. He challenges me a lot, both physically and mentally. He brings things up I don't want to broach, on purpose, to get me to face them. Today we learned I am sick. I think everyone lies. Because everyone does. I lie, about all sorts, small and large. If I lie, so easily, too, about the trivial and the not, then doesn't it stand to reason everyone else is too? And in such a case, how can we tell what is and is not a lie? We can't. Everyone lies about everything. With that said, if everyone lies, what's the point in anything? I used to think that how I thought was just a defence mechanism, I didn't really believe everyone lied, it was just something I said. But then I realised I do, 100% believe in it. It's natural to me.

This is when I realised that my old joke, the joke of being not all mentally there, is true. And I don't know how to get better. I want to get better,  I don't want to be sick, but how do you conquer such a thing? FP and I discussed this for a long while. He said if I don't get better, I will self-destruct. That was another old joke of mine, that I would be my own demise. I don't know what to do, but whatever I'm meant to do, it'll be done in the tiniest steps for sure. I am not sure if I should approach Master K tomorrow. It'll be the last time I see him before the grading on Sunday, if I go. It will be my only chance. This will either make or break both my career in martial arts, and my life in general.

Sorry this post isn't strictly MA related. It's more of a rant. I'm torn between two people I hold in very high regard, and this is my outlet. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Goodnight, blogworld.