So I decided on Wednesday to man up and try talking to N about my issues with him. I've been feeling like I'm not my grade, and that he's been lying to me when he says he thinks I am. What actually happened was that I turned up to karate and did okay. At the end, I had to fight H, a black belt girl I fought against in the tournament and won against, purely based on fitness. I got hits in on her, but at one point she knocked me to the floor. So that bummed me out a bit.

I took a ride with N to the next class, which he had to take. I helped babysit some of the kids, and about half way through the junior class we had to do jumping side kicks on the large standing pad. I, obviously, failed miserably at that. The bit that got to me was that the little kids would laugh and say to me "W! That's not how you do it! You're not doing it!". Kids tend to tell the truth, because they don't understand not to. I'm a blue belt. I should be leading the way for all of them. I could not. That and still not having confidence in breaking. I was so frustrated that I left before the senior class started.

Today was pressure because a new black belt, ex-TAGB turned up. Obviously Master K wanted to show case us to him. I think he might have been 3rd dan or something. Above 1st, below 5th, either way. I managed to start talking to N. I apologised for being 'off' with him. Explained how I didn't like feeling weak in front of him, and that I feel he's constantly lying. I went to elaborate, but we were interrupted. I'm sure we'll finish it another time.

The class started with jumping kicks again. Since it was the pressure of being showcased, I accidentally snapped at a new friend, Friendly P. I can /kind of/ jumping flying sidekick with my left, but no hope on my right. I got taken off flying kicks pretty quickly when Master L realised. We did some padwork, and then some hon shin sol, from hapkido self defence. Luckily I am relatively good at that, so when I partnered with Master L, he was on the floor every time. He told me I trained with N too much, because my moves were effective and brutal, aha. Compliment? Not sure. Since it was odd numbers, I had no partner, so I would just go around helping other pairs. Master K called me his 'little warrior' because I was good enough not to need too much practice, ehe. Again, compliment? Who knows.

At the end of the class, I got to talk to Friendly P again. We kinda wound each other up a bit, in a friendly way. He said if I taught him all the patterns he needed to know, he'd teach me how to jump. As much as I told him he had the bum end of the deal, he seemed pleased. If he actually expects me to jump, he'll be a bit disappointed, surely. Apparently sometimes I 'forget myself', and in that moment I do really well. I asked if that meant I needed drugs. The answer was no.

Anyway, ups and downs today. Tomorrow I will be back to doing my workout before work, gym at lunch and running to/from training after work. Should help a bit. Up with cardio, I guess!