I've always managed to beat my older brother in fights when we've sparred and I'm taking it seriously. I don't like fighting him. I don't like how he's tense all the time and hit harder than necessary to make up for inflexibility and lack of polished technique. It's not a conscious style choice, but is frustrating nonetheless. On Wednesday when we sparred, I knocked his attack of my guard. He proceeded to spin the wrong way, and deliver a back kick with far too much force to my coccyx. Not only was it an illegal target and too powerful, he also came up low and hit my tailbone so it went up my spine (not literally, ouch!). It's still bruised now. Certain movements make the bruising known to me.
Because of this style, and my dislike of fighting him, I don't fight him well. When I fought him yesterday I won overall in points, 3-2. His aggressiveness angered me, and the fact that he has improved angers me. I train more than he does, I go to the gym more, and I feel like I'm falling behind. We both knew when we first started, that one of us would overtake the other. Maybe I will be the one who gets left behind. Which makes me feel rubbish overall. A red belt had been reffing our match, and when a master came over and seemed confused as to how he was scoring, it made me think that my shots probably didn't even count in reality/my brother's shots weren't being counted. I get frustrated easily.

I forget if I've mentioned this before, but I've started doing a karate lesson before my taekwondo on Wednesdays. The three of us who have come over from tkd are somewhat feared, despite the fact that two of us are the lowest ranks there (bar a 5 year old. We'll forgive him). They listen to us as though we are black belts, which is interesting. I feel I don't deserve that much respect as a lower belt.

Things are permanently rocking my personal life. I'd rather just go to a mountain somewhere and train. Be away from people. I need a holiday away from it all.

In good news, my friend who's started ITF taekwondo in London seems to be pretty serious about it. It's early days, only two weeks or so in, but if he continues, it will be nice to see someone with the same dedication. My black belt friend, N, has taken more of a shine to me. I think it's because we're going to the karate lesson together. He is useful in that I can use him for training and advice. He will be grading to Bo dan soon (1st degree), and I need to stay on his heels.

Perhaps a break from training and gym would be useful, but I don't think I could bring myself to do that. I am too stressed out with everything else to be able to let go enough. Oh well. On we push.