Today, at 9pm, I am sat here staring at the board that I cannot break in training. I resent it, but with a quiet since of awe alongside it.

My master allowed me to take a board home so I could practice by myself. As I've said in prior blog posts, breaking is mostly psychological. The boards are not that thick, and whilst they are imposing to hit at full force, you'll end up more hurt if you don't hit it with your all. As a lower grade I was able to break. Now, it would appear my mind is having me hold a grudge and not allowing me to break. I am very self conscious of this fact. Many superiors tell me 'you've got the power, I've held a pad/bag for/been hit by you and I know you have more than enough power', but that means nothing if the boards don't break. I can't control my power, and I can't commit. Story of my life.

Thinking back to my gym session I realise how hard I am on myself, how negative I can be. Yesterday my friend told me he did 2k on the rowing machine, highest resistance, in 7.45 mins. Obviously this means I had to at least try and outdo him. I failed miserably. I got a new PR the other day, 2k in 9.33mins, but even when I maxed out today I only managed 9.07mins. So even when going at my best I can't even touch on his time. I should be happy that I shaved almost half a minute off my PR, but instead I feel sick that I can't do anything as well as anyone else.

My now black belt friend tells me that negativity can be good, it's a driving force, but right now I feel miserable and I don't want to do the things I used to really enjoy. I don't want to fight because I know I'll just end up kicked in the head by my black belt friend, or losing against someone my level/lower, which will tear me apart. I haven't lost enough weight, or my body hasn't physically changed as much as I want it to. I'm tired and stressed from personal issues but I can't seem to take a step back and chill.

If I'm not the best, what's the point.

I guess most people at this point would take a break, reflect, heal, move on. I won't. Even if I don't progress, training allows me to let off some steam. More than that, if I don't go to training, I feel I'll let my master down. He appears to think far higher of me than I deserve and not attempting to actually try would be an insult to all the support both and the club have given me. I hope this isn't the end for me, it feels like I'm burning out and becoming bitter at my friends joining and bettering themselves.

On a good note, despite being 30mins late to class today, I helped coached the kids. There's a few girls there who see me as their role model. It's nice in that they look up to me, not nice in that I don't like kids, and it's a hell of a lot of pressure to keep improving. But hey, the more girls the better, right? (I want to be the only girl, actually, but w/e)

I'm going to have a tea and sleep this off. Maybe it's just hormones and shark week. I'll know very shortly, I'd think, haha.